Dark Mountain

Author: Robert Michael
Genre: Thriller/Suspense
How long it's been on sale: April, 2012
Current price: $3.99
Marketing:  Kindle Select, 3 free days Facebook, Goodreads, Goodreads giveaway, Kindle Daily Deal, Twitter, press releases to local newspapers, author website, author blog
Total sold so far:  24 (plus, 1 borrow and 20 hard copies sold)
Link to book on Amazon: Dark Mountain

Product Description:

Jacob Barclay initially took the long hike through the remote Arkansas mountains as an escape. What began as a test of his survival skills takes a turn as he discovers a cabin with a dark secret.

Molly Corothers, a teenager, is lost and alone in the woods. She finds in Jacob a way out, a guardian angel.

Jacob can tell that Molly is hiding something from him, despite suffering from atrocities that most adults would have found unbearable. Jacob learns to trust Molly and finds that sometimes evil runs in the family.

First 300 Words:

The blood was what bothered Brian the most.  His emotions were torn between desire and repulsion.  He lay in his bed flat on his back staring at the ceiling.  The darkness was a comfort.  It calmed him. He could feel his body pressing into the lumpy mattress beneath him.  He could make out his posters eating up dark holes on the dingy white walls of his bedroom.

He regretted going to see Molly at the cabin.  It didn’t help matters at all.  In fact, he felt more confused now than ever.  If he hadn’t held his sister in his arms this afternoon things would have been different.  If he hadn’t tried to console her and listen as she spun her tale maybe he wouldn’t be here wondering whether he should cry, scream, or kill someone. He was ashamed to even think about it.

He lay there biting his lip and wondered why he was so screwed up.  Why is my family so screwed up?  He knew that many of his friends felt the same way about their families.  They had no idea.

He couldn’t stop thinking about the blood.  He didn’t know what to do with it.  As Molly recounted what she had seen that night almost a week ago, he couldn’t help but think about the blood.  He had seen the room.  He had just stood there, transfixed.  It was the color of red clay mud.  It was smeared everywhere and flies careened drunkenly around the room. The room smelled awful.  But it didn’t matter.  He couldn’t take his eyes off of all the blood.

The ceiling in his room had turned a sickly yellow over the last few years.  His father, Victor, rarely did anything around the house and so painting was a low priority.  But, as Brian stared, the ceiling turned a dark brown.  As he watched, mesmerized by his mind’s own creation, the ceiling developed large cracks.  Out of these cracks blood oozed forth, running in large, corpulent droplets across the ceiling.

Comments: The cover is dark. I realize you probably made it dark on purpose, to show the thriller/suspense aspect of the book, and I do think it helps with that. I'm just afraid that it's too dark. I'd love to see the photo have more contrast. Most photo manipulation software will allow you to increase the contrast. I think that might help. I'd also look at the black on the bottom, not sure if that's working really well. Maybe I'd like it better of the photo faded to black. I like the title font, but I'm not sure the outline is working. With a few tweaks, though, I think this cover could work.

The description suffers from evasivitis. (Yes, I did just make that word up.) You're leaving out the best parts of the hook and being too evasive. The cabin has a dark secret. Is it ghosts? (Which would make the book paranormal, and thus be a key element in selling the book.) Is a homicidal murderer hiding out there? (Which would up the suspense and be a key element in selling the book.) Is the cabin cursed? (Which would again turn us toward a paranormal aspect, and be a key element in selling the book.) Do you see where I'm going with this? Don't hide the key element in selling the book. It doesn't make the book mysterious and desirable. It makes it less desirable because the reader doesn't know what kind of book they are getting. I'm also confused about Molly. I'd like to know a bit more about her involvement in the story. As it reads, she doesn't tie in to the cabin, which confuses the description.

To me, the start of the novel falls a bit flat. I'm not sure what's going on. I'm guessing that Brian's sister, Holly, is being kept in the cabin because she's a murderer, maybe? Not sure that fits with the description, though. I'd also like to see the writing tightened up a bit. There were some areas of repetition that could be eliminated. "He couldn't stop thinking about the blood." And then, "...he couldn't help but think about the blood." And then, "He couldn't take his eyes off all the blood." I would suggest a writer's critique group. They can help figure out what to trim to make this a stronger opening.

For me, the cover is the strongest link in the chain, but could be better. The description and the book can be tightened up to make this book much better. I do think this book can sell. I like many things about it. I am attracted to thrillers, and I do think this book can become a good seller. It just needs a bit more work.

What do you guys think?

Burning Questions [Part 1 of the 1970's Trilogy]

Author: Barry S. Willdorf
Genre: Suspense, Thriller, Mystery
How long it's been on sale: Since August 1, 2011
Current price: $3.99

Marketing: I've promoted it regularly on 11 Yahoo groups. I've advertised on FB. Done a giveaway on Goodreads and LibraryThing. I've sent an email announcement to about 400 contacts. I've done press releases and gotten one large article in a local paper. I maintain a blog for the book. I promote directly on FB periodically, when there is some sort of tie-in. I've had three readings, one at a bookstore and two salons. Reception has been good but it hasn't turned into sales. I've done two guest appearances on blogs. I have a YouTube trailer. One review (four stars.)

Total sold so far: Approx. 75

Link to book on Amazon: Burning Questions [Part 1 of the 1970's Trilogy]

Product Description:

When the young heir of a wealthy Gloucester, MA family, is found shot with his step-father’s gun, the authorities quickly declare it to be a teenage suicide. But his mother wants an investigation. The family’s white-shoe law firm puts Nate Lewis, an inexperienced former intern, on the case. Was he picked because someone wants a bungled investigation or cover-up? Then, Christina Lima, the deceased’s stunning girlfriend from a poor Portuguese fishing family, tells Nate that the young man witnessed a hotel arson just before he died, and together they stumble onto a conspiracy to burn down the town’s old hotels. Soon Nate and Christina are running for their lives—and falling in love—as arsonists-cum-hit men stalk them all over historic Cape Ann.

First 300 Words:

On the day before I met Christina, I was doing a very credible impersonation of a bum. I’d even begun to believe it myself. But in my defense, I was facing the prospect of being drafted and there didn’t seem to be much point in having ambition.

I once had a professor of trial practice who began his classes by reading from an instruction judges routinely give to jurors at the beginning of a case:

“Remember to keep an open mind and do not form or express an opinion about the case until all the evidence has been received.”

He said it was sound advice for lawyers too. “If you fail to reserve your judgments...” he wagged his finger. “...someday you’ll find yourself in the middle of a trial confronted with a messy little fact that you overlooked. If you have to lose a case, don’t do it because, in your prejudice, you overlooked a messy little fact.”

If people had been following his advice, I’d never have met Christina Lima. We both were messy little facts.

****


I was absentmindedly tapping into a can of Krueger ale when a rag-top Coupe DeVille, just off the showroom floor, pulled onto Shore Road. Though much of her face was hidden by a broad-brimmed straw hat and oversized shades, enough epidermis was out there to tell that its driver was a classy lady with a “Coppertone tan.” She pulled to a stop beneath my window, got out and mounted the stairs slowly. Her slender hand gingerly dodged the splinters on my paint-chipped rail- ing. I didn’t know anybody who could afford a new Caddy. I assumed she’d come to the wrong address.

She was dressed in an expensive plaid skirt that stopped at mid-thigh, and a sleeveless top. Her fine-boned arms had muscle definition and despite some knobbiness in the knees, her legs were long, slim, and looked like they’d seen a lot of exercise.

Comments: I like the cover. I think it fits the genre well. I love the guy with the shadowed face. That's my favorite part. I also like the fonts used. I think the cover isn't the issue here. It's very well done, in my opinion.

The book description kind of confuses me. I had to read it several times just to understand the connection between the events described. I think rewriting the blurb will really help this book.

The beginning of the book didn't grab me. It kind of jumps around like the description. I had a hard time connecting what being a bum had to do with a professor of trial practice, and what they both had to do with meeting a woman.

I would get more opinions on the blurb and the beginning of the novel. If the whole novel jumps from subject to subject, I would definitely put the whole thing through a critique group and tighten it up. There should be a natural progression in a book. Because A happens, then B happens, and because B happens then C happens. If we go from A to 3 to Orange, we get confused.

My suggestion would be to find some other authors and tighten up the blurb and get critiques on the novel itself. What do you guys think?

Trade

Author: Tareq Hassan
Genre: Thriller/Espionage
How long it's been on sale: 3 months
Current price: $2.99
Marketing: Amazon KDP Select Free Giveaway.  Also just purchased Kindle Nation Email Blast
Total sold so far: 200 (Gave away 1300 copies on a free Select promotion.)
Link to book on Amazon: Trade

Product Description:

"Hassan doesn't take a simple or mundane route with his story, he invites the reader to immerse himself (or herself) in the scene, using sound, smell, touch, and layers of delicately conceived detail and texture. This is a thriller for both the casual reader and the literary minded."  5 out of 5 Stars

"This author has either spent time in the Middle East or has done extensive research into the 'War on Terror' topic as the plot hinges on a type of criminal scheming that only an insider understands well enough to explain."  5 out of 5 Stars

"I don't know what the author's background is, but he writes with the authority and attention of detail of someone with background in either the intelligence services or the military..."  5 out of 5 Stars

"A well written and accessible novel despite the 'speciality-speak.'"  5 out of 5 Stars

"I have never written a review on Amazon before, but felt compelled to do so after reading. Great read with compelling characters."  5 out of 5 Stars
_____________________

Patricia Foley, anti-semite, homophobe, and previously one of the CIA's rising stars, has been exiled to the basement for the past ten years. Chase Anderson, Chief of the Near East Division and Pat's former mentor, feels partially responsible for her fall from grace. Pete Marcone and Adriel Parish, FBI, have penetrated a domestic cell of Muslim extremists, and the Powers-that-Be want the success leveraged into an international operation. Anderson offers the simple hand-holding exercise to Pat, but Pat has plans of her own. And figuring into those plans, Danny Golan, Israeli master spy, Pat's former lover, and the principal cause of her misfortunes.

Then 9/11 happens.

First 300 Words:

Samer Ajdad walks the tunnels.  The tunnels contain enough provisions to sustain a small army.  Food, clothes, medicine, rumors of gold even.  Samer rides the colossal escalator up then takes John Street all the way down to the river.

Which is where he sees him again.  A white-haired apparition in a frayed suit making unscheduled appearances outside some of the largest financial institutions in the world.  Lanky, old before his time, and to anyone with an eye for it, a soul partial to the needle.  But a tilt of the head, a raised roman nose, and the bearing of an aristocrat.

Hawkable items of every kind teeter around him.  Samples flow freely through the crowd, which consists principally of secretaries in stilettos and young turks in get-one-free suits.  The man’s voice booms above the din.  The sales patter never once falters or hesitates.  It cajoles, seduces, and finally irresistibly commands all to part with their lunchtime change.  This is a tired junkie scraping together the day’s fix, but also an artisan of the old school, his skills on display at the epicenter of the financial universe. 

Up on the sidewalk in tailored suits stand the middle-aged and the ancient.  These are the titans, and they sometimes venture out to watch a master at work.

Within minutes, the mountain of junk is reduced to a few discarded boxes.  The old man makes his way to the subway, a newfound spring to his step.  The titans retreat, murmuring within earshot of their young junk bond and penny stock-selling associates, “Now that’s how shit is peddled.”

Samer, smiling, happy, makes his way back to the glass tower home of Trevers and Hown, Limited Liability Partners, with a countertop grill in one hand and a foot massager in the other.

Vicki's Comments: The cover makes me think this is a non-fiction book. It looks like a book on business. To me, it doesn't have a thriller vibe at all. On the plus side, the title is large and easy to read, and in a nice font. The author's name is a bit small, but again I do like the clean font. The cover does look professional, even if it doesn't give me the right genre message. It could just be me, so I would get some other opinions on it.

You start your description with reviews. I would not do that, unless you have a review from Stephen King or some other person of note. If people want to read the reviews, they are easy to find down below. Start your description with the book.

The story description isn't bad, it just feels a bit clinical to me. Maybe because it's not really written in a character's voice? I'm not sure. But I do think there's a good story here. I would get some help with the blurb. I'd like to get a feeling for the main character. As it stands, I'm not sure who the protagonist is. Is it Chase, or Pete? I hope it's not Patricia, I'm not really liking her from the description. I hope she's the antagonist. I'd like to get more of a feeling of who I'm going to be sharing my time with.

The opening. I'll confess, I'm not a fan of present tense. I cringe a bit involuntarily when I read it. I usually put a book down if I'm looking to find something for my leisure reading, unless someone has highly recommended it. Now, for the good news. I really enjoyed this beginning. I had a few minor nit picks, but the description and characters sucked me in. I found myself visualizing the scene and having a pleasant experience. I admit, this is rare for me. Usually I take several pages or even a few chapters before I get sucked into a story. This was a refreshing beginning for me.

The nit picks? I would have liked to see the first and second sentences combined. I didn't like the sentence fragment. I know they're in right now, but that one bothered me. Like I said, pretty nit picky. I think this book needs a new cover and a description tweak. If I sampled this book I would keep reading.

What do you guys think?

Inherit the Throne

Author: Steve DeWinter
Genre:Thriller
How long it's been on sale: April 5, 2011
Current price: $2.99
Marketing: 2 Kindle Nation Daily E-Book of the Day promotions (July 4th / November 25th); 1 E-Reader News Today Promotion (September 14th); 2 Month Blog Tour in June and July with Pump Up Your Book; Facebook; Twitter; Google+
Total sold so far: 780
Link to book on Amazon:Inherit The Throne (Melissa Stone)


Product Description:

40% Off the list price of $4.99 for a Limited Time!

Written under the inspiration of James Patterson, Tom Clancy and Lee Child.

Praise for Steve DeWinter's debut thriller Inherit The Throne

"...a quick, fun read that comes across as equal parts Jack Bauer (TV’s 24), Charlie Castillo (W.E.B. Griffin), and Mitch Rapp (Vince Flynn). There’s even a bit of Jack Ryan (Tom Clancy) in there...this is a book that would make for a perfect popcorn blockbuster..."
--Bibrary Bookslut

"In the latest action packed suspense fiction, Inherit The Throne by Steve DeWinter, we get to see Melissa Stone become the newest Jason Bourne...5 out of 5 stars and it falls in line for those of you that love books by James Patterson."
--Reviews from the Heart

"...fast, fun, enjoyable read that was comprised of non-stop action on pretty much every page, and a slew of characters that kept the action interesting and somewhat suspenseful...a few surprises that caught me off guard, and a delightful new heroine..."
--Curling Up By The Fire

"...the action just didn't stop!...If you like to read thrillers, then I would recommend this one! I am looking forward to reading more books by Steve DeWinter!"
--Black Diamond's Book Reviews

"...a page-turning, thrilling read. With explosive action on just about every page, we are catapulted into a novel brimming with suspense."
--Lost For Words

"I had heard all the good hype about it being a great novel, and I must confess, that I whole heartedly agree with that assessment! He totally ROCKS!"
--Reviews By Molly

Living under a new identity in the tiny Northwestern tourist town at the base of Mount Hood, Melissa thought she had finally escaped her past. That is until an assassin tries to kill her and forces her back into a treacherous shadow world she vowed never to return.

That same night an unmanned robotic SUV slams into the limousine of the Vice President of the United States and detonates with several hundred pounds of explosives. Melissa soon discovers that the attack on the Vice President and the attempt on her own life are related.

Time is running out to find out who wants her dead and why she alone holds the key to saving the President of the United States.

This is the Standard Edition. If you would like extra content such as deleted chapters and a sneek preview of the second Melissa Stone book, then you will want the Enhanced Edition. Either click the + sign next to Kindle Edition in the format section above, or search for "Inherit The Throne Enhanced". On Sale for $4.99 for a limited time!

First 300 Words:

Melissa Stone sat down on the crate from this morning’s egg delivery to rest for only a moment. Her shift was over in fifteen minutes, and she planned to go home and soak her feet for at least an hour or more. Working the job of a small motel restaurant and lounge server at the base of Mt. Hood in Government Camp, Oregon, did not help.

Melissa was only thirty years old, but she had been living her third life for nearly three years now. Three lifetimes worth of stress seemed to age her more quickly than she would have liked. Outwardly, she looked as young as her chronological age, but during these long weekday shifts, she felt every past injury that her body had endured.

The neon sign outside the motel laid claim to a restaurant on site, but in all honesty, it was nothing more than a glorified lounge with tables set up on the old dance floor that had seen better days. They provided a good view of the tiny stage that hosted Karaoke on Friday and Saturday nights.

Tonight was a typically quiet Thursday night that only brought motel residents in who were tired from their hike around Mt. Hood. Every night they dragged themselves into the restaurant section of the lounge exhausted and chatty about what they had just accomplished during the day. Melissa never received a complaint about the grease-stained menus. The hikers were always too hungry to notice and happily ordered food that was both good tasting and bad for them at the same time.

Tonight there were only two occupied tables, and Melissa was glad to have the hiking family at her table. The single man sat alone and had only ordered coffee. He held the menu up in front of him the entire time, but had continued to wave Julie, the only other server on duty, off for the past twenty minutes. Melissa would not have wanted to stay late because “Mr. Undecided” could not make a simple decision.

Sabrina's Comments:
What follows are my suggestions and first impressions. Yes, it's nit-picky. I get to focus on less than 1,000 words while you had a whole novel to edit. :) You are the author so no matter what I say, you get to decide how to present your book.

OK, to the nitty-gritty . . .

The cover: I notice that you have a different cover for your paperback. The paperback cover screams political thriller while the cover above looks like a vigilante type theme. I don't get the message that she's linked to politics at all. The flag on her butt says hippie to me. It's kind of an insult to the flag because you sit on it . . . does that message tie into your book? I don't equate hippies with protecting the president but maybe I live a sheltered life.

If I were searching for a political thriller, I would scan past your eBook thumbnail but I might stop on your paperback cover.

The blurb: Holy filler-words, Batman! I'm not a fan of books where it lists a sale price, then tons of reviews then finally gets to what the story is about at the bottom. I'm a click junkie like millions of other people. Catch me now or I wander away.

I counted. You have 5 sentences out of 23 that actually tell us what's IN the book. Reviews are great but there's a reason that Amazon puts them below the product description. If the reader is interested in what the book is about then they'll read the reviews. I don't think they would bug me as much if they were below the description of the book in your product description. Before it bothers me.

Also, I get trying to tie your name into the big names but it feels canned here. Your reviews already compare you to a big name or two so let your fans compare you and otherwise let the book speak for itself.

Listing the sale price twice feels car salesman-ish to me. Yup, you'll get this baby for this price no where else! By the way, this is the introductory price so you better grab it fast. Did I mention that we can't get anymore for 3 months . . . Once, at the end might not bug me so much but first thing, where I'm trying to figure out what the heck I'm looking at? As a buyer I would have immediately moved on to the next book -especially seeing it twice.

The actual description is solid except for the second sentence. ". . . forces her back into a treacherous shadow world she vowed never to return." If I were saying it out loud, I'd want to say "never return to". That's bad grammar so I understand why you left it off. Try something like " forces her back into a treacherous shadow world to which she vowed never to return."

I would start looking at your reviews AFTER I read the actual product description. The problem is that it's lost in everything else.

The first 300: You lost my attention in the first paragraph. Why is it important that she's on an egg crate? You also have a sentence that doesn't quite fit finishing the paragraph. " Working the job of a small motel restaurant and lounge server at the base of Mt. Hood in Government Camp, Oregon, did not help." Did not help what? I know that you're talking about her planning to soak her feet in the sentence before but you haven't told us that her feet hurt yet! More importantly, you haven't shown us that her feet hurt.

Melissa Stone sat on a crate from one of that morning's deliveries. She slipped off one of her shoes and rubbed a blister forming under the ball of her foot. After fifteen minutes of rest, she slipped her shoe back on her foot and walked to the sink in the kitchen of the small motel restaurant and bar at the base of Mt. Hood in Government Camp, Oregon. As she washed her hands, she dreamed about soaking her feet at home after her shift ended.

Do you see the difference? Almost anyone can relate to a blister on their foot. I feel the pain with Melissa as I read because I've endured them. I can remember what it felt like. Those kinds of sensory cues suck me in as a reader.

Now that I'm studying the second paragraph, how about you have her rub the arch of her foot where she broke it in one of her past identities? I like that you bring in that she has battle scars but it's feeling like an info dump.

You're setting the scene in the third paragraph but I'd rather see it than have you tell it to me. She could take an order from a patron sitting at the bar from a small menu that boasted little more than beer and appetizers, have a lone regular lift his glass and shake it at her indicating he wants a drink from a four-top near the karaoke machine that is silent except for the weekends. the reader would get the same message but it wouldn't be as info dump-ish.

In the fourth paragraph, again, you have the opportunity to show us the hikers tromping in, picking up the greasy menus and ordering delicious sounding food that would cancel out the healthy advantages of their hike.

At the fifth paragraph, I'm finally getting interested. I can see the lone guy waving off the other waitress and I like the nick-name Melissa gives him. As a former waitress, I can completely relate to that!

End Analysis: I think you have a lot to work with here. The cover is eye-catching but I'm not sure it's sending the message you want. The description would be effective if it were more accessible and for the most part is sound. The first 300 has a lot of telling instead of showing but by the fifth paragraph I'm starting to get curious. Since I know there's an assassin coming after her, I wonder if it's the guy at the table. You have to leave a comment and tell me if I'm right. (And no cheating and telling me I have to read the book to find out!) :)

Good luck with your publishing adventure! Putting together a book is a big project. I wish you all the luck as you move forward.

Thin Hope

Author: Naomi Hook/Holly Hook
Genre:Fantasy/Science Fiction/Thriller
How long it's been on sale: November 18, 2011
Current price: $.99
Marketing: Advertised on author blog and Bargain eBooks blog (which I run), Librarything giveaway, submitted to two dozen book blogs (only 2 interested in reviewing it so far), advertised in B & N forums, Facebook, etc. Cannot yet advertise on many sites due to not having enough reviews to qualify.
Total sold so far: 3 on Amazon, 2 on B &N
Link to book on Amazon:Thin Hope

Product Description:

Princess Kiki Endicott faces two threats from one man. Royal General Patrick Maxwell says he's only pursuing peace, but his plan depends entirely on making himself the genetically enhanced, superhuman ruler of the known world. He wants Kiki to join him in near-immortality and become his wife--even though he's her uncle. In his desire for her, Maxwell tries to kill her lover Damon Stanza. Maxwell ends up in prison instead, and Damon takes his place as Royal General.

Now Maxwell has escaped and is marching on Kiki's city with a horde of genetically altered soldiers and magic users. It's going to take everything Kiki and Damon have to defeat Maxwell before he takes the kingdom--and Kiki herself.

**Contains moderate language, some sexual content, and intense violence at times.**

First 300 Words:

Kiki fanned herself with her tank top as the temperature in the study climbed another few degrees. It suited her mood. Once again, Delainia’s forces had moved closer to the Keilaran border, and this time, their army was situated only fifty miles to the south of where she was sitting. Darren Storm wasn't reacting well to the trade ban her father, King Morris, had imposed on Delainia last month.

In the next room, her twin brother and sister, Ryan and Riley, argued over something. Their muffled voices floated through the walls and the tall bookshelves. Ryan had probably used one of Riley’s drawings for target practice by accident again. The last one, a nice drawing of the royal garden, now sported a big bullet hole right in the middle, thanks to the palace guards fetching him an easel instead of a cardboard bulls-eye. The yelling only served to up Kiki's tension more as she gripped the corner of the newspaper and fingered it with a sweaty hand.

Fifty miles. Fifty miles away from her family. Fifty miles from her boyfriend, Damon, and her. Kiki's desert eagles felt heavy in their holsters as the headline of the Keilaran Chronicle started to blur on the table in front of her. Possible War Looming, Delainian Forces on the Move. A photograph of the Delainian president, Darren Storm, stared out at her from below the text. He walked along the hallway of some lab, judging from the clinical hallways and the white coat he wore around his suit. Beside him stood his wife, Gracie, in an identical lab jacket. Both stared out at the camera with eyes that seemed blacker than normal somehow, Darren's from behind his glasses. Kiki wasn't surprised. Anything weird seemed possible in her neighboring country since their secret human experiments had started.

Sabrina's Comments:
I see a lot of potential for Thin Hope. It seems like a good premise that would be engaging. I would execute things differently. What follows are my suggestions and first impressions. Yes, it's nit-picky. I get to focus on less than 1,000 words while you had a whole novel to edit. :)

You are the author so no matter what I say, you get to decide how to present your book. OK, to the nitty-gritty . . .

The cover: It doesn't say fantasy/science fiction to me. I can see thriller since the gal is holding a gun. I can't think of a good reason to fade her into the city scape. If the model represents the main character, she should be solid. Fading her makes odd light patterns on her skin and clothes. The floating eye in the sky doesn't strike me as pertinent or well-placed. The iris color isn't so striking that it catches my eye. It is simply a floating orb that takes my attention from the main character who is faded out. I looked at the thumbnail of your book. The eye looks okay there but the main character is fuzzy. You can't tell she's holding a gun. All in all, I strongly recommend taking another look at your cover.

The blurb: You say there's two threats from one man but you don't spell out what those threats are. I caught that one threat is he's trying to marry her but he's her uncle but if the second threat you're talking about is the army invading, that is delineated as a later time so it doesn't feel like part of the two threats. I shouldn't have to put any analytical power into figuring out what you mean.

I suggest you use the "when" formula. When the main character must to avoid When Royal General Patrick Maxwell attempts to genetically modify himself and take his niece, Princess Kiki Endicott for his wife, Kiki and her lover, Damon Stanza, foil his plans. Stripped of his title and cast into prison, Patrick Maxwell continues plotting. After breaking out of prison . . .

I like that you have a disclaimer about content. I think that trend is a positive one. My friends always ask me for suggestions on books that either don't have gore or sex or swear words. Knowing up front is a service many readers appreciate.

The First 300: Tanks tops don't seem very princess-y. Maybe it's part of your world building. I notice that you have a lot of vague words in the first 300. A few: tell me exactly how many degrees. I know a few generally represents 3 but I'm not sure where you're starting from so adding three degrees doesn't mean much. If the temperature rose from 80 to 83 I might fan myself but I don't consider that unnaturally hot. If it rose from 100 to 103, we're talking a different story. If the character is hot, I want to feel the sweat dripping down my back and I sit in the room with the protagonist in my mind. You're scene building here and there needs to be a lot more clues as to what I'm seeing, hearing and feeling. Tell me about the study. Is it like an English study with dark woods or is it modern with sleek metal furniture? These clues will give me insights into the society. Right now I'm guessing which you do NOT want as an author.

Why do I care about Delainia's forces? More importantly, why does Kiki care? Is she worried about an attack? What would that do to her society? I'm apathetic to her plight at the moment. Who is Darren Storm? Why should I care about him?

Whiplash! Now we're talking about the brother and sister. I have no visual of the siblings. How old are they? A three-year-old squabble would sound different than a 10 or 15 year-old argument. How far apart in age are the siblings? Is it a vocal argument or are they getting physical? Again, I don't know enough about them to care that they are squabbling. Give me more details to help me care. Maybe they are secondary characters but if they are important enough to have in the first 300 words, they are important enough to introduce properly if only through Kiki's feelings and maybe some of their dialogue seeping through the bookshelves.

Jerking back now, she's 50 miles away. . . from her family? Her siblings are in the next room. I understand why you mention her guns. I'm assuming you are building Kiki as a gun toting tough woman. Mentioning they are heavy while she's reading a paper feels forced. It's like you were thinking hmmm, I need to put in here that she has guns so I'll put it . . . here! I'd like to see you tie into the heat again. It was important enough for the first paragraph so reinforce it here. Kiki squirmed as a bead of sweat trickled underneath her thick leather holsters. The combination of the heat and the weight of the twin Desert Eagles in the holsters chafed her skin and caused her to dream of a cool bath. Or something to give us a peek into what she's feeling. (Don't say holsters twice like I did. Grab your handy thesaurus and mix up the words.)

Studying the picture of Darren Storm and his wife is a good way to introduce those characters. When I read it the first time, I thought she had moving pictures like in Harry Potter. Is this the effect you were shooting for? I don't know enough about the society to know how magical or scientifically advanced they are.

Showing instead of telling is a challenging talent to develop. In your first couple pages, your job is to immerse your reader in the scene with all five senses. What does he/she hear, smell, taste, see and feel? What time of the day is it? What are her surroundings? These clues will suck me in and force me to read more.

End Analysis. Good luck with your publishing adventure! Putting together a book is a big project. I wish you all the luck as you move forward.

The Scavenger's Daughter: A Tyler West Mystery

Author: Mike McIntyre
Genre: Mystery/Thriller
How long it's been on sale: 11 Months
Current price: $3.99
Marketing: KB, Goodreads ads, blog reviews and interviews, press releases, giveaways
Total sold so far: 850
Link to book on Amazon: The Scavenger's Daughter: A Tyler West Mystery

Product Description:

Tyler West, suspended Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter from the San Diego Sun, is desperate for a scoop that will save his career. Defying a spiteful publisher and a vindictive homicide detective, he investigates the baffling deaths of several of San Diego's powerful, rich and famous. Police call the murders unrelated, but Ty uncovers a common link: torture devices last used during the Dark Ages, including the Iron Maiden, the Pear of Anguish, and the most sinister of all--the Scavenger's Daughter.

Ty is plunged into a mysterious world of medieval torture scholars, antiquities collectors, museum curators, and sadomasochists. Aided by photojournalist Melina "Mel" Koric, a former Bosnian War refugee, he must break the brilliantly conceived series of slayings that has cast a dark shadow over a city better known for its sun, sand and surf. The elusive killer goes by the name Friar Tom, in tribute to his hero, Tomás de Torquemada, the first Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition. As Ty scrambles to unmask the monstrous zealot, he pursues his lost love, Jordan Sinclair, an assistant district attorney and single mom. With the city caught in an escalating nightmare of medieval mayhem, Ty is drawn into a lethal game of cat and mouse that could cost him everything.

Lightning-paced, intricately plotted and wildly suspenseful, The Scavenger's Daughter grabs the reader early and doesn't let go until its heart-pounding climax.

First 300 Words:

PROLOGUE:

DARK THEATERS


Candles flickered inside his self-storage unit. Santa Claus tapers, Easter Bunny pillars, Valentine votives, Halloween jack-o’-lantern tealights, a Rugrats menorah. He’d paid fifty cents for a crate of holiday candles on eBay after he was the only bidder to spot the misspelled listing: candells. He saved where he could. His was an expensive hobby.

Unit 67 was the size of an auto repair shop, the largest for rent at Sea Breeze Mini-Storage. The terraced complex of concrete buildings hugged the hillside above the I-5 freeway. A battered sign—24-HOUR ACCESS, YOU KEEP THE KEY—dangled from the sagging chain-link fence. The neighborhood of taxi garages, shabby apartments and weedy sidewalks was miles from San Diego’s palm-lined beaches. A pimple on the shoulder of America’s Finest City.

His drive-up unit was in the top row, its back wall embedded in the steep hill. Shamu, SeaWorld’s star killer whale, winked at motorists from a billboard towering above.

Most of the storage units held the furniture, dishes and clothing of the newly divorced and sailors at sea. Others contained sports equipment, camping gear, boats and RVs.

His unit housed medieval instruments of torture.

It was noon. He heard a jet pass overhead on final approach to Lindbergh Field. More pasty tourists had come to squeeze through turnstiles at the San Diego Zoo, splash in the surf and soak up the Southern California sun.

They could keep it all. He liked to play indoors.

“Dark theaters are prepared for dark deeds,” he intoned, quoting the motto etched on European torture chamber walls during the Middle Ages.

He popped a CD into the boombox—A Collection of Gregorian Chants. The medieval music filled the room, melting the tension in his neck.

Vicki's Comments: I like the cover, although it makes me lean more toward horror than mystery/thriller. But after reading the description of the book, I imagine the cover goes quite well with the book. My only concern would be that the cover is giving the reader the wrong impression when they glance at it, and I'm not sure it's working to draw in the people that love mysteries and thrillers. Before changing it, I would get more opinions on it, though, because I really do like it.

The description is good. I think it does a good job with drawing the reader in, and making them want to read more. We'll see what others say, but for me it was a 'win.'

For me, the beginning of the book was the weakest link. I thought the humor of the cheap misspelled candles from ebay didn't go with the vibe of the psychopath. I also felt like the writing could be tightened up a bit. My biggest suggestion here would be to get a few critiques and tighten up the beginning of the book. If I were reading this sample, I would not buy the book.

What do you guys think?

A Covert War

Author: Michael Parker
Genre: Thriller
How long it's been on sale: Three Months
Current price: $.99
Marketing: Social Networking (Twitter; Facebook; Digg; Linkedin; Goodreads; Kindle and local publicity here in Spain where I live).
Total sold so far: 24
Link to book on Amazon: A Covert War

Product Description:

Marcus Blake's ramshackle security agency has no clients to speak of until Susan Ellis walks into his office and asks him to help find her brother who has gone missing in Afghanistan. In that moment, Marcus' world is turned upside down and he is plunged into a covert war where arms and drugs are traded by renegades within the CIA. Now, in his quest to find Susan's brother, Marcus faces terror and betrayal in a murky world where one cannot easily tell a friend from a foe.

First 300 Words:

A COVERT WAR PROLOGUE

By

MICHAEL PARKER

I think that was the moment I realised that I was in love with Shakira. I had known her barely three weeks. It probably happened within days of our first meeting at the Mission. Shakira was such a lively, extroverted character; so full of humour and yet with warm simplicity. I felt a connection with her that is difficult to describe, but one I believe was reciprocated. I knew without doubt that Shakira had warmed to me as soon as we met. There was something in her manner; the way she spoke and reacted to me. I can remember how her face would light up as soon as she saw me and how the atmosphere in a room seemed to change when she walked in; such was the effect she had. I felt the change in me and could see it in others. I loved the way she would throw her head back and laugh out loud at my terrible jokes, showing her beautiful, white teeth. And then she would stop laughing and look directly at me, her lovely eyes softening. And as her laughter died away, so her mouth would change into that wonderful, disarming smile of hers.

I had been working at the Mission for a number of weeks, each day writing up my report for The Chapter on the work that the centre was undertaking. Shakira was the senior administrator there. Because of my project I often found myself in Shakira’s company. In the evenings we would walk up to the high point above the Mission and talk over the highs and lows of the day. We would sit on a fallen tree trunk that had been there for many years. It was divested now of its foliage. It had no branches; they had been lopped off so that it could be used to sit and look over the lovely countryside. 

Vicki's Comments: The cover is a little dark so it's hard for me to see what is pictured. I do think having a gun on the front is a good idea, but I probably wouldn't suggest a flower or a note pad. Those things don't make me think of a thriller.

The blurb could use some work. I don't want to know that the security agency didn't have any clients. That's not a gripping story. And then there's vague things like 'turned his world upside down' and 'faces terror and betrayal.' What turns his world upside down? What is the terror he faces? The answers are what will make me want to read the story.

I would also tighten up the writing. I think the story starts at the wrong point. The book is listed as a thriller, and yet this starts off reading like a love story. And it is all telling. I want to be pulled into the story, but I'm not. I would suggest joining a critique group and getting some outside opinions on the text. Maybe they will have some suggestions on how to hook the reader early on.

What do you guys think?

Formula Rx:17

Author: Rebecca Carlton
Genre: Thriller
How long it's been on sale: 3 months
Current price: $2.99
Marketing: Amazon posting, blog tour, facebook, twitter social networking.
Total sold so far: 23
Link to book on Amazon: Formula Rx:17

Product Description:

Geric is lured by Dalis to a remote island to practice medicine until his license is reinstated. Upon arrival, Dalis reveals that Geric must erase memories and personal identities from abducted women or face his own demise. While Geric bides his time until an opportunity arises to escape, he is presented with a patient that is resistant to treatment but manages to catch Dalis’ eye.
Livia’s life is spared with the mindset that her immunity is the key to developing an alternate therapy for other resistant women. She serves as Geric’s medical assistant while enduring the aggressive advances of Dalis. The stress of their living conditions proves to be too difficult when the consequence of their reckless behavior triggers a deadline to escape. A deadline that will expose their transgressions…and cost them their lives.


First 300 Words:

Geric pulled the final photograph off the wall and dropped it into the trash box. He sighed as he leaned down to label the box. After taking another moment to inspect the contents, he turned to the stone paperweight sitting on his desk. The stone still had the stain of the red clay dirt from his parents’ backyard. It had graced every college dorm book shelf and office desk for the last fifteen years and now that he would be forced to return home, it seemed meaningful to bring it along full circle. As he clenched the stone in his hand, its weight reminded him of the burdens his poor decisions had placed on his shoulders.

Geric had no clue what he would be walking into when the young lady came by to request a house visit. She brought him to a bedridden old woman with pain filled eyes suffering from stomach cancer. The young woman explained that over the years her grandmother’s tolerance had heightened to levels that no doctor felt comfortable prescribing. She gathered all their belongings and moved them from town to town in search of a doctor willing to give the old woman relief during her final time. Geric became a doctor to help people who had no means to help themselves. His own homeland was riddled with old women just like the one lying in the bed staring back at him, in need of help with no one willing to assist them. He came to this country because he could not make a living off of kind gestures and saw the situation before him as an opportunity to give back to those who were less fortunate.

The old woman never spoke. She only stared at the ceiling as if she were begging for a release sooner than it came to her. 

Vicki's Comments: The first thing I notice here is the author lists this book as a thriller, and yet the description adds in some science fiction to the mix. That's fine, but it needs to portray that on the cover and the marketing needs to be to people who like science fiction thrillers, if this is indeed a sci-fi thriller.

The cover needs work. I suggest the cover be the standard size so it doesn't stand out (in a bad way) compared to the other covers on Amazon. The type blends in, and is barely legible. I would use a different picture, one that portrays the genre better, and make sure the type is clear.

The description could use some more punch too. Someone being lured to an island to practice medicine isn't very exciting, and that's the first sentence. I'd make the first sentence the best you can make it, something that will grab the reader and make them want to read the book. It doesn't have to be a synopsis of the book, just enough information so the reader knows what kind of book it will be, and a good hook.

The writing was good but it was all back story. I try not to put any back story into the first chapter, and even after that I try to sneak it in rather than have large paragraphs of back story. The scene starts with a man packing up his stuff. I'm confused by the first two sentences. He throws a picture from the wall in the trash box, but then leans down to label the box? Why would you label a box of trash? Why not throw it out?

I would suggest a new cover, tighten up the blurb, and maybe cut the first scene so the book opens at a more exciting part.

What do you guys think?

Badwater

Author: Toni Dwiggins
Genre: Thriller
How long it's been on sale: June 4, 2011
Current price: $2.99
Total sold so far: 38
Link to book on Amazon: BADWATER (The Forensic Geology Series)

Product Description:

"Fans of
Nevada Barr will love this book..."
   
          What if your job is to find the thing you fear most?

     When a freight truck is hijacked, forensic geologists Cassie Oldfield and her partner Walter Shaws track the mineral trail into Death Valley. The stolen cargo they seek is hotter than the desert in August: radioactive waste.

     As scientists, Cassie and her partner Walter are familiar with background radiation in the rocks they study. But as a woman of child-bearing age and a man of advancing years, they become acutely aware of the risk of their hunt. How many exposures are too many? What's safe? More immediately, what's lethal?

     The geologists find out when the unstable radwaste thief unleashes the power of the unstable atom.

REVIEWS

"Fans of Nevada
Barr will love this suspenseful literary mystery, where the brutal
Death Valley landscape is as much a character as the renegade
radworkers, dangerously eccentric desert rats, and dogged geologists
trying to prevent a nuclear disaster."
          --Lisa Brackmann, author of the literary suspense novel ROCK PAPER
TIGER, an Amazon 2010 Top 10 Mystery & Thriller Pick

"In this superb, taut, action-packed
thriller set in the California desert, a highway hijacking turns
toxic and Cassie Oldfield, forensic geologist, is called in to help
the FBI and the EPA's Radiological Emergency Response Team track
down stolen casks of nuclear waste. Sophisticated soil analysis is
not normally a deadly occupation, yet before it's all over, Cassie
comes face to face with a sociopathic killer and with her own
mortality. Notice to criminals: Watch out for Cassie! She knows
where you've been. Fans of Nevada Barr are going to love this book
just as much as I did."
          --Marcia Talley, Agatha
and Anthony award-winning author of A QUIET DEATH and nine previous
Hannah Ives mysteries

"BADWATER is
superb. It has a great plot with many twists and surprises, featuring
real-life characters. The author did a very fine job of
characterizing the disconnect between all the measures intended to
assure safety and the reality of things sometimes being unsafe. Truly
well-written and engaging. A joy to read."
          --David
Lochbaum, head of the Nuclear Safety Project, Union of Concerned
Scientists

First 300 Words:

There was something odd about the figure coming down the dark road and I was not going to be happy until I could put my eyes on the details.

Walter, stowing the donut bag in his field pack, hadn’t yet noticed.

Uphill of the figure, spotlights cracked the deep night and more could be seen. Big vehicles clogged the road. Adjacent to the road, yellow rope zoned off a chunk of desert where a tractor-trailer lay on its side. Well uphill of the crash was another roped and spotlit area, occupied by a hulking crane. What was the crane doing off on its lonesome?

I refocused on the figure. “Somebody’s coming. A man, I think. But odd.”

Walter looked, straining to see. “You have young eyes.”

“It’s more a question of what jumps out at you.”

“Cassie, what jumps out at me in the dead of night belongs in the realm of bad poetry.”

I smiled. He would know.

“However,” he said, still peering, “that is an odd gait.”

That it was, perhaps due to the muddied condition of the road. I glanced at the sky, where a cloud roof glowed beneath a hidden moon. Summer thunderstorm—local, wherever precisely local was. It had been clear twenty minutes ago in Mammoth, our home base in the Sierra mountains. We run a two-person lab and what we do for a living is read earth evidence at the crime scene. We’d headed for this scene truly in the dark. The FBI sent a helicopter but provided few details. We’d flown east from the Sierra, crossing California into Nevada, then bellied down to the dark desert.

And here we waited, speculating. All too often, the geological evidence gets overlooked. This time, though, the FBI considered it urgent enough to bring us by chopper, and that impressed me deeply.

Vicki's Comments: I love the cover for this book. I think it depicts the book and genre well. I don't think I'd change a thing with it.

The description could use a little trimming. I would start with "When a freight truck..." and cut the stuff above. I'd also leave off the reviews, but that could just be me. I don't put a lot of stock in reviews put up by the author. If it was just one blurb from a famous author, maybe, but short and sweet is how I prefer that kind of thing. Other than a little trimming, I think the blurb is good. It's strong to me, and sells the book, in my opinion.

I also think the first 300 words are very strong. It draws me into the story, and I want to read more.

Honestly, this book has not been available for long, less than two months. The number sold is good for a book that just came out. Why is this book not selling? It's too new. Give it time and let the sales grow naturally as the book gets reviews from book bloggers and such. That's my best assessment. I think this book is very strong and will see powerful sales, especially with a second book out. Keep writing.

What do you guys think?