Dark Mountain

Author: Robert Michael
Genre: Thriller/Suspense
How long it's been on sale: April, 2012
Current price: $3.99
Marketing:  Kindle Select, 3 free days Facebook, Goodreads, Goodreads giveaway, Kindle Daily Deal, Twitter, press releases to local newspapers, author website, author blog
Total sold so far:  24 (plus, 1 borrow and 20 hard copies sold)
Link to book on Amazon: Dark Mountain

Product Description:

Jacob Barclay initially took the long hike through the remote Arkansas mountains as an escape. What began as a test of his survival skills takes a turn as he discovers a cabin with a dark secret.

Molly Corothers, a teenager, is lost and alone in the woods. She finds in Jacob a way out, a guardian angel.

Jacob can tell that Molly is hiding something from him, despite suffering from atrocities that most adults would have found unbearable. Jacob learns to trust Molly and finds that sometimes evil runs in the family.

First 300 Words:

The blood was what bothered Brian the most.  His emotions were torn between desire and repulsion.  He lay in his bed flat on his back staring at the ceiling.  The darkness was a comfort.  It calmed him. He could feel his body pressing into the lumpy mattress beneath him.  He could make out his posters eating up dark holes on the dingy white walls of his bedroom.

He regretted going to see Molly at the cabin.  It didn’t help matters at all.  In fact, he felt more confused now than ever.  If he hadn’t held his sister in his arms this afternoon things would have been different.  If he hadn’t tried to console her and listen as she spun her tale maybe he wouldn’t be here wondering whether he should cry, scream, or kill someone. He was ashamed to even think about it.

He lay there biting his lip and wondered why he was so screwed up.  Why is my family so screwed up?  He knew that many of his friends felt the same way about their families.  They had no idea.

He couldn’t stop thinking about the blood.  He didn’t know what to do with it.  As Molly recounted what she had seen that night almost a week ago, he couldn’t help but think about the blood.  He had seen the room.  He had just stood there, transfixed.  It was the color of red clay mud.  It was smeared everywhere and flies careened drunkenly around the room. The room smelled awful.  But it didn’t matter.  He couldn’t take his eyes off of all the blood.

The ceiling in his room had turned a sickly yellow over the last few years.  His father, Victor, rarely did anything around the house and so painting was a low priority.  But, as Brian stared, the ceiling turned a dark brown.  As he watched, mesmerized by his mind’s own creation, the ceiling developed large cracks.  Out of these cracks blood oozed forth, running in large, corpulent droplets across the ceiling.

Comments: The cover is dark. I realize you probably made it dark on purpose, to show the thriller/suspense aspect of the book, and I do think it helps with that. I'm just afraid that it's too dark. I'd love to see the photo have more contrast. Most photo manipulation software will allow you to increase the contrast. I think that might help. I'd also look at the black on the bottom, not sure if that's working really well. Maybe I'd like it better of the photo faded to black. I like the title font, but I'm not sure the outline is working. With a few tweaks, though, I think this cover could work.

The description suffers from evasivitis. (Yes, I did just make that word up.) You're leaving out the best parts of the hook and being too evasive. The cabin has a dark secret. Is it ghosts? (Which would make the book paranormal, and thus be a key element in selling the book.) Is a homicidal murderer hiding out there? (Which would up the suspense and be a key element in selling the book.) Is the cabin cursed? (Which would again turn us toward a paranormal aspect, and be a key element in selling the book.) Do you see where I'm going with this? Don't hide the key element in selling the book. It doesn't make the book mysterious and desirable. It makes it less desirable because the reader doesn't know what kind of book they are getting. I'm also confused about Molly. I'd like to know a bit more about her involvement in the story. As it reads, she doesn't tie in to the cabin, which confuses the description.

To me, the start of the novel falls a bit flat. I'm not sure what's going on. I'm guessing that Brian's sister, Holly, is being kept in the cabin because she's a murderer, maybe? Not sure that fits with the description, though. I'd also like to see the writing tightened up a bit. There were some areas of repetition that could be eliminated. "He couldn't stop thinking about the blood." And then, "...he couldn't help but think about the blood." And then, "He couldn't take his eyes off all the blood." I would suggest a writer's critique group. They can help figure out what to trim to make this a stronger opening.

For me, the cover is the strongest link in the chain, but could be better. The description and the book can be tightened up to make this book much better. I do think this book can sell. I like many things about it. I am attracted to thrillers, and I do think this book can become a good seller. It just needs a bit more work.

What do you guys think?

Burning Questions [Part 1 of the 1970's Trilogy]

Author: Barry S. Willdorf
Genre: Suspense, Thriller, Mystery
How long it's been on sale: Since August 1, 2011
Current price: $3.99

Marketing: I've promoted it regularly on 11 Yahoo groups. I've advertised on FB. Done a giveaway on Goodreads and LibraryThing. I've sent an email announcement to about 400 contacts. I've done press releases and gotten one large article in a local paper. I maintain a blog for the book. I promote directly on FB periodically, when there is some sort of tie-in. I've had three readings, one at a bookstore and two salons. Reception has been good but it hasn't turned into sales. I've done two guest appearances on blogs. I have a YouTube trailer. One review (four stars.)

Total sold so far: Approx. 75

Link to book on Amazon: Burning Questions [Part 1 of the 1970's Trilogy]

Product Description:

When the young heir of a wealthy Gloucester, MA family, is found shot with his step-father’s gun, the authorities quickly declare it to be a teenage suicide. But his mother wants an investigation. The family’s white-shoe law firm puts Nate Lewis, an inexperienced former intern, on the case. Was he picked because someone wants a bungled investigation or cover-up? Then, Christina Lima, the deceased’s stunning girlfriend from a poor Portuguese fishing family, tells Nate that the young man witnessed a hotel arson just before he died, and together they stumble onto a conspiracy to burn down the town’s old hotels. Soon Nate and Christina are running for their lives—and falling in love—as arsonists-cum-hit men stalk them all over historic Cape Ann.

First 300 Words:

On the day before I met Christina, I was doing a very credible impersonation of a bum. I’d even begun to believe it myself. But in my defense, I was facing the prospect of being drafted and there didn’t seem to be much point in having ambition.

I once had a professor of trial practice who began his classes by reading from an instruction judges routinely give to jurors at the beginning of a case:

“Remember to keep an open mind and do not form or express an opinion about the case until all the evidence has been received.”

He said it was sound advice for lawyers too. “If you fail to reserve your judgments...” he wagged his finger. “...someday you’ll find yourself in the middle of a trial confronted with a messy little fact that you overlooked. If you have to lose a case, don’t do it because, in your prejudice, you overlooked a messy little fact.”

If people had been following his advice, I’d never have met Christina Lima. We both were messy little facts.

****


I was absentmindedly tapping into a can of Krueger ale when a rag-top Coupe DeVille, just off the showroom floor, pulled onto Shore Road. Though much of her face was hidden by a broad-brimmed straw hat and oversized shades, enough epidermis was out there to tell that its driver was a classy lady with a “Coppertone tan.” She pulled to a stop beneath my window, got out and mounted the stairs slowly. Her slender hand gingerly dodged the splinters on my paint-chipped rail- ing. I didn’t know anybody who could afford a new Caddy. I assumed she’d come to the wrong address.

She was dressed in an expensive plaid skirt that stopped at mid-thigh, and a sleeveless top. Her fine-boned arms had muscle definition and despite some knobbiness in the knees, her legs were long, slim, and looked like they’d seen a lot of exercise.

Comments: I like the cover. I think it fits the genre well. I love the guy with the shadowed face. That's my favorite part. I also like the fonts used. I think the cover isn't the issue here. It's very well done, in my opinion.

The book description kind of confuses me. I had to read it several times just to understand the connection between the events described. I think rewriting the blurb will really help this book.

The beginning of the book didn't grab me. It kind of jumps around like the description. I had a hard time connecting what being a bum had to do with a professor of trial practice, and what they both had to do with meeting a woman.

I would get more opinions on the blurb and the beginning of the novel. If the whole novel jumps from subject to subject, I would definitely put the whole thing through a critique group and tighten it up. There should be a natural progression in a book. Because A happens, then B happens, and because B happens then C happens. If we go from A to 3 to Orange, we get confused.

My suggestion would be to find some other authors and tighten up the blurb and get critiques on the novel itself. What do you guys think?

The Evangeline Heresy

Author: Thayer Berlyn
Genre: Supernatural Suspense/Dark Fantasy
How long it's been on sale: November 29, 2011
Current price: $2.99
Marketing: Goodreads, Book Blogs, Book Marketing Network, My Creative Intent, Wordpress, Xanga, Blogger, Twitter, Authors Den, Red Room, Kindle Boards Book Bazaar, Amazon Meet our Authors, Indie Book List (recently submitted).  Recently signed up for Linkedin.
Total sold so far: 35 books UK, 10 USA (approximately 1500 total on free downloads Feb/March KDP Select)
Link to book on Amazon: The Evangeline Heresy: a novel of Dark Fantasy and Supernatural Suspense

Product Description: 

Deep in the green forest, there exists a creature unlike any other. Some say a witch, but some say a lot of things.

Dr. Ethan Broughton has agreed to investigate a potent medicinal plant, and a rumor of curative miracles on Porringer Hill in East Tennessee. What he finds, is an isolated community of disturbing superstition centered on one woman, Ana Lagori, a local apothecary with a mysterious ability to heal all wounds. What at first seems little more than a clever deception, soon propels Ethan into an abyss of shadowy forest haunts, unsettling interactions and the perilous web of a legacy that traces its origin back to antiquity.

First 300 Words:

The notes of Dr. Ethan Broughton

Boston, Massachusetts

It was the morning some kind of holy sprite dropped from a flowering hawthorn tree.
     
In the spring of 1935, Dr. Leland Broughton and two colleagues were hiking alongside the Cutler creek in search of a rare botanical, known in mountain lay term as blue poke: a delicate wild plant with a velvety sapphire blossom resembling a small pouch. When squeezed between the fingertips, this scarce bloom produces a warm, purplish juice with acute antiseptic properties. Broughton discovered reference to the plant in the writings of one Dr. Charles Holt from Durham, who, himself, described an observation of its curative powers in 1928, at the hands of a "granny" in East Tennessee.
     
The wonder of either testimony or madness came when the adventurous Dr. Broughton clipped the backside of a nesting pit viper with his boot heel.
     
Flushed under the maturating toxin spreading from his inner thigh, Broughton waited alone for his comrades to return with aid, by way of a homestead not a quarter mile down creek side. Through a sediment of increasing delirium, he watched the milky figure of a strikingly pale young woman slip from her hidden perch on a nearby hawthorn branch and, with preternatural calm, move closer to assess the wound with a critical eye. She whispered, then, an unusual inquiry, which brushed against Broughton's ear like the swaying fronds of a wild fern. He breathed a heavy gasp in response, nearly losing consciousness when the woman’s front teeth molded into the grooved fangs of the deadly serpent. He cried out, in agony, when those hollow spears tore deep into the injury.

Comments: I kind of like the image of the girl on the cover, although it makes me think it's a paranormal story instead of a fantasy. The title is very small and hard to read. I'm also not sure what an Evangeline Heresy is. I mean, I know that heresy is, but it doesn't seem to work well in the title. I think readers like to be challenged a little, but starting out by confusing the reader might not be a great idea. I would suggest at least making the title larger, and possibly changing the name.

The blurb was hard to read because of all the misplaced commas. I would get help with it from an editor. Most editors will help with the blurb if you hire them to edit the book. The comma issue in the description makes me think the book is unedited and makes me want to stay away.

As for the content of the description, I think there are some things going for it. I like the ability to heal all wounds bit. I don't like that the beginning calls her a creature. This makes me think of big foot or some other hairy monster. There's also some vague language used, which doesn't help the reader figure out what kind of a book they are getting. Things like "creature unlike any other - an abyss of shadowy forest haunts - unsettling interactions - perilous web of a legacy." These are too vague and don't help me visualize what I'm going to be reading about.

Consider this book blurb:

When something unexpected happens to Mary, she takes the initiative and puts things into her own hands. Transported into a whole new world, Mary must try to figure out who is a friend and who is an enemy. The tension increases when Mary is put into more difficult situations. With everything on the line, Mary finds herself making the choices no person ever wants to make.

What kind of a book is this? Is this set in future times? The past? Is she in the forest, or a city? Does she move to a new place or get transported through a time machine? Is this book like the Chronicles of Narnia or like The Hunger Games? I can't tell a blessed thing from the vague sentences here. And yet, we as authors love to use these kinds of phrases when we write our book blurbs. The best thing I ever did was type up each sentence in Word on a separate line and pick it apart, looking for vague stuff, and cutting it out making it more specific. I would try that with this blurb.

The beginning of the book confuses me. It states these are the notes of Dr. Ethan Broughton, and yet it doesn't read like his notes at all past the first sentence. I would expect his notes to be written in first person. I would suggest taking out the bit about his notes. We should be able to figure out we are in the Dr.'s perspective by the writing.

The rest of the opening is all back story. It's told like we are looking back at what has happened. This doesn't bring the reader into the book. I want to know what is happening right now, not what happened a while ago. Show these things happening in the moment, rather than telling it like it's back story. Unfortunately I would suggest rewriting the beginning and possibly getting some help from a critique group. My favorite is www.critiquecircle.com.

What do you guys think?

Katheryn's Secret

Author: Linda Hall
Genre: Mystery, Suspense, Inspirational
How long it's been on sale: 7/4/2011
Current price: $2.99
Marketing: Facebok, Twitter, Web Page, Kindle Forums
Total sold so far: 49
Link to book on Amazon: Katheryn's Secret (Coast of Maine Series)

Product Description:

This novel interweaves elements of mystery and suspense with a message of hope. The novel brings healing to those wounded by legalism in the church. Mystery writer Sharon Colebrook finds herself the unexpected recipient of her deceased Aunt Katie's papers, and hopes to learn about a murder Katie had hinted at years before. But as Sharon and her husband Jeff begin to investigate, the carefully kept facade of her strict religious family begins to crumble. Secrets, long buried, begin to surface, and only God's grace can put this family back together again. 

First 300 Words:

The flashlight dimmed. I looked down at it in surprise. Didn't I just put new batteries in? I cursed out loud a couple of times and then rammed the thing against the cement wall. Hard. All I succeeded in doing was cracking the plastic casing. The quality and quantity of light did not change, but remained a dull trickle of pale yellow. I muttered to myself and kept picking my way down the basement steps. When I reached the bottom I held onto the wall with my left hand and used the pinpoint of light to look around. This is where she said she'd be, that mysterious middle-of-the-night caller who had awakened me from a sound, albeit short, sleep a little more than half an hour ago. "Underneath the barn," she had said.

"Underneath the barn?" I didn't know barns had an underneath."

"Just take the steps down at the side of the building. I'll be waiting."

I poked through bits of straw and hay and dried manure and wondered if this whole thing were a practical joke concocted for my birthday. Except my birthday was seven months ago. Well, the joke was on me. Here I was up to my sneakers in manure with a weak flashlight, looking for what? I shook my head realizing that I should have had it examined long ago.

The weird middle-of-the-night muffled voice had talked about life and death and how I was the only one on the face of the earth who could help. Yeah, I bet you say that to all the girls.

But there was something about that whispery voice, something familiar when she woke me with,
"Summer? Summer Whitney? I need to see you."

I'm naturally curious. That's what makes me a good private investigator. I knew I'd never sleep anyway, not after a call like that, so I got up.

Vicki's Comments: The cover could use some work. I think the photo of the ocean isn't working. I don't know why, but sunsets, skies and oceans just don't do it for me as book cover images. There's probably a reason. Maybe because it doesn't show a clear genre? I don't know. However, I do think a new cover would greatly improve the sales of this book. I'd also change the font. I would look at other books in the Mystery/Suspense/Inspirational genre and see what fonts they use. (That's not stealing...it's research.)

I would cut the first two sentences of the book description. The first sentence doesn't say anything about the plot. People read descriptions to get the plot of the novel. The second sentence is subjective. The novel might not bring healing to someone. The third sentence is where the description actually starts. The rest is actually not bad for a description. It's a little vague, what secrets come forth? I'd like to know if the book is dealing with an unwed mother in the family, or an ancestor who robbed a bank. Depending on what the secrets are, it could change the story dramatically. Be more direct with your description.

I liked the beginning of the book. It hooked me. I'd keep reading to find out what happens. I don't think the issues with this book are in the prose. I would change the cover, maybe pay a graphic designer, and get some help polishing up the blurb. This book has potential.

What do you guys think?