The Evangeline Heresy

Author: Thayer Berlyn
Genre: Supernatural Suspense/Dark Fantasy
How long it's been on sale: November 29, 2011
Current price: $2.99
Marketing: Goodreads, Book Blogs, Book Marketing Network, My Creative Intent, Wordpress, Xanga, Blogger, Twitter, Authors Den, Red Room, Kindle Boards Book Bazaar, Amazon Meet our Authors, Indie Book List (recently submitted).  Recently signed up for Linkedin.
Total sold so far: 35 books UK, 10 USA (approximately 1500 total on free downloads Feb/March KDP Select)
Link to book on Amazon: The Evangeline Heresy: a novel of Dark Fantasy and Supernatural Suspense

Product Description: 

Deep in the green forest, there exists a creature unlike any other. Some say a witch, but some say a lot of things.

Dr. Ethan Broughton has agreed to investigate a potent medicinal plant, and a rumor of curative miracles on Porringer Hill in East Tennessee. What he finds, is an isolated community of disturbing superstition centered on one woman, Ana Lagori, a local apothecary with a mysterious ability to heal all wounds. What at first seems little more than a clever deception, soon propels Ethan into an abyss of shadowy forest haunts, unsettling interactions and the perilous web of a legacy that traces its origin back to antiquity.

First 300 Words:

The notes of Dr. Ethan Broughton

Boston, Massachusetts

It was the morning some kind of holy sprite dropped from a flowering hawthorn tree.
     
In the spring of 1935, Dr. Leland Broughton and two colleagues were hiking alongside the Cutler creek in search of a rare botanical, known in mountain lay term as blue poke: a delicate wild plant with a velvety sapphire blossom resembling a small pouch. When squeezed between the fingertips, this scarce bloom produces a warm, purplish juice with acute antiseptic properties. Broughton discovered reference to the plant in the writings of one Dr. Charles Holt from Durham, who, himself, described an observation of its curative powers in 1928, at the hands of a "granny" in East Tennessee.
     
The wonder of either testimony or madness came when the adventurous Dr. Broughton clipped the backside of a nesting pit viper with his boot heel.
     
Flushed under the maturating toxin spreading from his inner thigh, Broughton waited alone for his comrades to return with aid, by way of a homestead not a quarter mile down creek side. Through a sediment of increasing delirium, he watched the milky figure of a strikingly pale young woman slip from her hidden perch on a nearby hawthorn branch and, with preternatural calm, move closer to assess the wound with a critical eye. She whispered, then, an unusual inquiry, which brushed against Broughton's ear like the swaying fronds of a wild fern. He breathed a heavy gasp in response, nearly losing consciousness when the woman’s front teeth molded into the grooved fangs of the deadly serpent. He cried out, in agony, when those hollow spears tore deep into the injury.

Comments: I kind of like the image of the girl on the cover, although it makes me think it's a paranormal story instead of a fantasy. The title is very small and hard to read. I'm also not sure what an Evangeline Heresy is. I mean, I know that heresy is, but it doesn't seem to work well in the title. I think readers like to be challenged a little, but starting out by confusing the reader might not be a great idea. I would suggest at least making the title larger, and possibly changing the name.

The blurb was hard to read because of all the misplaced commas. I would get help with it from an editor. Most editors will help with the blurb if you hire them to edit the book. The comma issue in the description makes me think the book is unedited and makes me want to stay away.

As for the content of the description, I think there are some things going for it. I like the ability to heal all wounds bit. I don't like that the beginning calls her a creature. This makes me think of big foot or some other hairy monster. There's also some vague language used, which doesn't help the reader figure out what kind of a book they are getting. Things like "creature unlike any other - an abyss of shadowy forest haunts - unsettling interactions - perilous web of a legacy." These are too vague and don't help me visualize what I'm going to be reading about.

Consider this book blurb:

When something unexpected happens to Mary, she takes the initiative and puts things into her own hands. Transported into a whole new world, Mary must try to figure out who is a friend and who is an enemy. The tension increases when Mary is put into more difficult situations. With everything on the line, Mary finds herself making the choices no person ever wants to make.

What kind of a book is this? Is this set in future times? The past? Is she in the forest, or a city? Does she move to a new place or get transported through a time machine? Is this book like the Chronicles of Narnia or like The Hunger Games? I can't tell a blessed thing from the vague sentences here. And yet, we as authors love to use these kinds of phrases when we write our book blurbs. The best thing I ever did was type up each sentence in Word on a separate line and pick it apart, looking for vague stuff, and cutting it out making it more specific. I would try that with this blurb.

The beginning of the book confuses me. It states these are the notes of Dr. Ethan Broughton, and yet it doesn't read like his notes at all past the first sentence. I would expect his notes to be written in first person. I would suggest taking out the bit about his notes. We should be able to figure out we are in the Dr.'s perspective by the writing.

The rest of the opening is all back story. It's told like we are looking back at what has happened. This doesn't bring the reader into the book. I want to know what is happening right now, not what happened a while ago. Show these things happening in the moment, rather than telling it like it's back story. Unfortunately I would suggest rewriting the beginning and possibly getting some help from a critique group. My favorite is www.critiquecircle.com.

What do you guys think?

Terra Incognita: The Abyss

Author: Joshua Mays
Genre: Dark Fantasy
How long it's been on sale: 10 months
Current price: $.99
Marketing: I've connected with people on Facebook. Given out 50 copies at dragoncon. Sent various emails to review sites.
Total sold so far: 100
Link to book on Amazon: Terra Incognita: The Abyss

Product Description:

Benjamin Harking is an independent teenager who often comes home from his boarding school to an empty house. During one lonely Christmas vacation, he finds a hidden room, secreted away beneath the stairwell. Inside is an ancient book that opens a doorway into a dark world of myth and magic. Forced on a quest for four magical items, Ben will face danger at every turn, meet new allies, and do whatever it takes to complete his goals before the evil Azothothus has a chance to exact his plans -the awakening of the primeval beings known only as the Hollow. 

First 300 Words:

Benjamin Harking stood on the threshold of his home and knocked on the half-open door, reluctant to enter. The hollow sound was amplified by the size of the foyer and the lack of furniture. He felt awkward coming back to this place; even after almost two years it hadn’t yet become home to him. The sudden change in lifestyle had come so quickly that he still wasn’t used to the idea of being rich. His dad had been offered a major promotion and the next thing Ben knew, they had moved into this oversized house and he was off to boarding school to get a “proper” education. The house was so large that his family had once gone a full day at home without seeing each other. It was over a hundred years old, which made it a little creepy on late nights when everything was still and quiet. The creaks and groans were loud enough to stir them from a deep sleep.

The Victorian-style mansion was located in the northern panhandle of West Virginia, near Morgantown.  They were miles from their nearest neighbor and even farther from any semblance of civilization. Ben missed his friends from Papillion, Nebraska, but he understood his father couldn’t turn down that promotion. He knew that he couldn’t blame his family for this, but it didn’t change how he felt. He wondered if they realized what they had asked of him, to give up his entire life in an instant, just to be dropped into a new and unfamiliar one. Did they understand what it felt like for him to have everything he loved taken from him and replaced with something new and unwelcoming?

As his suitcase hit the hard marble floor, he called out, “Is anyone here?” The sound of his voice had a slight echo in the vastness of the hallways and corridors, but no one replied.

Vicki's Comments: First, I like some aspects of the cover. I like the symbol, and I think the weathered/grunge look is good. There are some things I don't like about the cover. I don't think the overall design is working. In order to explain what I mean, I'm going to break the cover down into a few simplistic shapes.

Here you can see the basic design of the book cover. The cover is divided *almost* in half by the top of the paper that the title is on. It's not quite in half, but it's close enough. When you're dividing up your space, it's best not to divide right in half. It's a design thing.

The top of the paper is also at a slight angle, which creates an uncomfortable feeling for me. It's not enough of an angle to create an interesting shape, but just slightly off, like it was meant to be straight but someone bumped it. The edge of the paper is too close to both sides, running off the edge on the one side, creating another uncomfortable element.

I rather like the symbol on top, but it's closer to the bottom paper thing than it is to the top of the page, which again makes me uncomfortable.

Now, let's look at the basic design on another fantasy novel, one that was traditionally published.

This book has the same round symbol element, however they broke up the type to the top and bottom and used a very linear font to create rectangular shapes, rather than using a font that created more organic or curvy shapes. Basically, all they did was "frame" the middle with type on top and bottom, and they broke up the space into thirds rather than in half.

Now, I'm not suggesting you copy this cover exactly, however, there's nothing wrong with creating a similar design. There's also nothing wrong with moving things around and trying something new. Just be aware of some of the basic design rules. Here's a great video talking about composition. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4c8NCvSRho

On to the description. I think there are many things in the description that could be applied to a lot of fantasy novels. I'd like to know more about what sets this book apart from the rest. A magic book. A quest. A world to save. These things are pretty universal. I'd rather find the unique things about this book and put a different spin on the description. But don't just take my word for it, because I'm much better at graphic design than I am at nit-picking blurbs. And I'm not much of a fantasy fan, so my opinion means even less.

The beginning isn't terrible, but I would like less back story and more of the scene. I'd like the back story to be given to me in little bits. But that's just me. Others might feel differently. I do think it's well written. And I like that your main character has conflict right away - coming home to an old creepy house with no one inside. Good job on that.

I think with a cover re-design, tightening up the blurb, and possibly cutting the back story from the beginning, the book will be much improved. What do you guys think?