Author: Joshua Price
Genre: Comedy
How long it's been on sale: Feb 28, 2011
Current price: $.99
Total sold so far: 60
Link to book on Amazon: Not Everything Brainless is Dead (Book One of The Absurd Misadventures of Captain Rescue)
Product Description:
When Captain Rescue's city is overrun by man-eating zombies, he and his arch nemesis must band together to thwart mankind's undealiest threat!
The adventure begins after Dr. Malevolent knocks off the most prominent bank in the city. The super villain gets far more than she bargained for, and over the course of the ensuing shenanigans, zombies are inadvertently unleashed. The outbreak spreads like crazy, and arch enemies embark on a journey to discover who, in this universe or the next, would commit such a dastardly act.
Will Captain Rescue and Dr. Malevolent find a way to put a stop to this apocalypse, or will the undead eat them alive?
"Not Everything Brainless is Dead" is the hilarious entry to Captain Rescue's absurd misadventures, and the first book of a series that is meant to feel like a novelized comic book. A second adventure, "Past, Future, & Present Danger", is also available.
54,000 words, or over 220 pages.
Recommended for fans of humor and the literary stylings of the late, great Douglas Adams as well as the great, but not late, Terry Pratchett.
Mostly recently updated 5/24/11. A butt load of grammatical issues and typos have been squashed!
First 300 Words:
The only thing standing between Dr. Malevolent and her salary was the large brick wall of the bank that held it. This bank, however, went by quite the ostentatious name: The Bank. Despite such an intimidating title, it was nothing more than a clever marketing ploy—one that worked perfectly. Everyone and their mothers flocked to The Bank. Regular Joes put their money in while criminals took it right back out. In retrospect, the founders would have had better luck naming their bank Cletus’s Farm Depot, but then of course nobody but hillbillies would flock to it.
The story of how The Bank got its name was one of adventure and deceit. Before settling on its current and exceedingly successful moniker, much deliberation transpired of possible other names. To settle this deadlock, board members submitted their suggestions so everyone could vote on it. Dozens upon dozens of names found their way into the top hat and most of which were quite terrible. After a lengthy process, they had their winner. Shortly thereafter, they threw the winner out and The Bank was chosen. The other suggestions, like making the B backwards or stylizing the name like Banque or Baynk, were collectively deemed lame; not a term the well-dressed businessmen used lightly.
That, among many other reasons, was why Dr. Malevolent chose to knock off this bank, but it was not just a heist with the sole goal of getting rich. She did have her own criminal organization to manage. One that employed dozens of hardened criminals, liars, cheats, and a few flat out crazies. That money had a noble purpose. As everyone knew, all major criminals needed to eat; pay their employees; take their dog to the vet when he eats those things he shouldn’t; spend ridiculous amounts of money trying to figure out how to blow up the world; replace all their DVDs with their Blu-ray counterparts; so on, and so forth. She had to make ends meet somehow. Sure, that meant sometimes robbing banks or ripping candy from the hands of shrieking babies, but that was just how these things worked.
Vicki's Comments: I really like the cover. I think the graphics are top notch and the design catches your attention. My only concern is the cover doesn't exactly say 'comedy' to me, but it does have that graphic novel feeling. For now, I wouldn't change the cover, but if a lot of advertising doesn't get this book off the ground I would go ahead and look for a different image.
The description could use some work, in my opinion. I got a bit confused when the bank was mentioned. What does knocking off a bank have to do with zombies? I might focus more on the comedy of the piece in the description. Also, I don't think I would mention you've had some editing errors in past versions. That didn't give me much confidence in the book. I'd rather have you give away some copies to get more current reviews that (hopefully) don't mention the grammatical errors.
The sample was pretty good, I found some things humorous, although the subject matter doesn't appeal to me. I'm guessing your target audience is going to be young, which might be hindering your sales.
Overall, I think tweaking the blurb will help the most. And getting some buzz going about the book, maybe with sending it to some book bloggers.
What do you guys think?
The cover is pretty good. Maybe a catchy subtitle would tell readers more about it.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely take out the comment about errors. Actually, I found several more grammatical errors or at least places where you could improve the flow.
I get nervous when the author tells me if I like this or that famous author, I'll like this book. Unless you have a quote to that effect from a professional reviewer or at least a book blogger, I would take it out. You're setting up unrealistic expectations that could turn around to kick you in the butt.
The style of the writing in your blurb tells me to expect some comedy and I like the opening 300 words, but you still have issues with the writing.
Dozens upon dozens of names found their way into the top hat and most of which were quite terrible.
Try this.
Dozens upon dozens of names found their way into the top hat, most of which were quite terrible.
Vicki has recommended critique.com (did I get that right, Vicki?) and you might want to try that.
The last line of the description...
ReplyDeleteMostly recently updated 5/24/11. A butt load of grammatical issues and typos have been squashed!
To me this is why its not selling. Bad grammar, spelling and editing is also mentioned in the reviews. This ship was put to sea before she was ready. You might consider un-publishing this, polish it up and republish it with a new title and start over.
critiquecircle.com is where I polished up my book. You were close! :D
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Vicki about the cover and I think Vicki's right on the mark with "tweaking the blurb will help you the most."
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing the typo in the first sentence of the description isn't helping. (I'm assuming "undealiest" is a typo, but given the emphasis on the bank heist I'm not actually sure. Perhaps I can see what's behind door number two?)
Also, this paragraph:
"The adventure begins after Dr. Malevolent knocks off the most prominent bank in the city. The super villain gets far more than she bargained for, and over the course of the ensuing shenanigans, zombies are inadvertently unleashed. The outbreak spreads like crazy, and arch enemies embark on a journey to discover who, in this universe or the next, would commit such a dastardly act."
Looking at the first paragraph of the book, it looks like you've got an extra chapter in the beginning. While the adventure may begin after Dr M robs the bank, the book clearly begins before she does. That's not helping your credibility.
Add that to the cliches:
--gets far more than she bargained for (like maybe an extra toaster for signing up for a new account?)
--ensuing shenanigans (not to be confused with the ensuing hilarity?)
--spreads like crazy (I didn't think crazy was contagious. Given my family, I'd go along with genetic, but your story doesn't appear to involve inherited traits. Did you mean kudzu?)
--arch enemies embark on a journey to discover ... (why do they hate arches? or did you mean the Swedish death metal group?)
Then there's the passive "...zombies are inadvertently unleashed."
That's a lot of problems in just three sentences.
Also comparing yourself to Douglass Adams and Terry Prachett? Um. Might wanna tone back on the "I'm all that and sliced bread, just ask me!" rhetoric. There's confidence and then there's braggin'. If your readers want to compare you to the Good Guys, that's great. Having you do it? Not so much. Just sayin'
I appreciate that most of this quibbleness seems unnecessarily nit-picky, but comedy is very hard. If you want to take the blurb to funny-town, you have to actually be funny. This blurb gives me a very clear message.
"Next!"
That's probably not the message you're going for.
I do like the first line of the book, though.
Fortunately, I've done a bit of polishing since I first received that review back in March, and I did probably publish it before it was ready.
ReplyDeleteI think I actually over-edited it, which led to a few flow issues like the one Margaret mentioned.
So, I think I will go back and polish it some more after today, but I'm hesitant to take it down and republish it, since I would lose the reviews I do have, the good and the mixed.
Also as Margaret said, I think I will take out the "recommended if you like..." line. I agree that it could backfire, so I don't think I want to risk it.
Hah. Actually, undeadliest isn't a typo, but I think it proves I need to shift away from the bank heist and focus on the zombie outbreak for the blurb.
ReplyDeleteLuckily, it looks like I probably did a much better job with the blurb for the 2nd book.
I wouldn't take it down, but I would hire an editor. Then after it's professionally edited, I would put the newest version up.
ReplyDelete"Undealiest" is missing the "d."
Oh my. I guess since undeadliest isn't a word to begin with, I never looked more closely at the squiggly red line.
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel better I didn't notice it until Nathan pointed it out.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I had quite a few people read the blurb, and Nathan was the first and only person to catch it.
ReplyDeleteI may be the first person to TELL you about it but I'm pretty sure I'm not the first person to catch it. :D
ReplyDeleteI second Vicki's recommendation of critiquecircle.com. It's an excellent place to find critiques. Really 60 sales for the first few months isn't that bad. I agree with the suggestions on tweakinng your blurb though.
ReplyDeleteWhile for some reason I've never been very good at critiquing other peoples' work, maybe I'll try to get involved.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree about my sales. I've been pretty pleased with them so far, but I knew there was things I could improve on.
Here's a revision of the blurb I was working on, if anyone is curious:
When Captain Rescue's city is overrun by man-eating zombies, he and his arch nemesis must band together to thwart mankind's undeadliest threat!
Like any good super villain, Dr. Malevolent robs banks, but when Captain Rescue helps to intercept her latest heist, they discover a special gift hiding within the bounty: the undead. Those smelly vermin spiral out of control at an alarming and ungodly rate. Within a few bloody moments, the city welcomes its brainless new inhabitants.
Once the zombie-dust settles, Dr. Malevolent, Captain Rescue, and a few others are still breathing. These survivors decide to embark on an adventure to discover who, in this universe or the next, would commit such a dastardly act.
Will Captain Rescue and Dr. Malevolent find a way to put a stop to this apocalypse, or will the undead eat them alive?
"Not Everything Brainless is Dead" is the humorous first installment in Captain Rescue's absurd misadventures, a series that is meant to feel like a novelized comic book. A second adventure, "Past, Future, & Present Danger", is also available.
54,000 words, or over 220 pages.
Minor corrections, but try these.
ReplyDelete"when Captain Rescue intercepts her latest heist..."
"Not Everything Brainless is Dead" is book one in the absurd misadventures of Captain Rescue. If you enjoyed this one, be sure to check out book two -- "Past, Future, & Present Danger."
I like your changes, especially the end bit.
ReplyDeleteI actually switched "Captain Rescue intercepted" to "helps to intercept" because he isn't too instrumental in their capture. But I think I probably over thought that a bit.
I like your new blurb and, by the way, I think your cover is just right.
ReplyDeleteI would go ahead and used "intercepted" anyone. The reader isn't going to worry that you lied about the Captain's role in things once he or she is deep into the funny text. It sounds better in the blurb and isn't a total misrepresentation.
ReplyDeleteI think this sounds like a fun book, one that I will get for myself when my budget re-ups for the month. One idea, though, would be to delete the tangent in the second paragraph. Well, the second paragraph IS a tangent, and it's quite clever, but it may put off readers expecting the book to actually read like a comic book--fast. Perhaps start sneaking in those Adams/Pratchett style tangents later in the book after you hook readers? They won't be ill-fitting since you've had shorter tangents before that.
Good luck! I hope it finds a bigger audience.
It's funny you mention that, I've actually been considering moving the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs (and maybe some of the first) further into the book so they're not right there at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteI'd have to put some thought into where exactly to stick them, since I think they're worth keeping around.