Author: Jeffrey Littorno
Genre: Horror
How long it's been on sale: 3 months
Current price: $6.99
Marketing: I have started a website/blog, Tweeted about book and links, used Book Buzzer, gotten reviews, and sent out press releases.
Total sold so far: 16
Link to book on Amazon: Bloom's Desk
Product Description:
Following several years of teaching abroad, Glen Davis and his wife Christine have settled into a comfortable life in Northern California. Glen enjoys teaching at a local high school. Christine is studying at community college.
Then the voices start in Glen's head...
A long-dead serial killer named Robert Bloom has chosen Glen as the one to continue his deadly hobby. Now the young teacher must choose between saving himself or those around him.
First 300 Words:
Glen Davis didn’t believe in ghosts. But ghosts believed in him.
However, at this moment, such profound philosophical issues had no place within his mind. With his eyes clinched tightly closed, Glen was focused upon the banging of the MRI machine. The dull thuds did nothing but kick off a new round of the tooth-rattling throbs in his forehead. These headaches were part of the reason he had come to the doctor’s office and then to the MRI machine. Next came the loud blaring of what sounded like a truck horn and the machine gun clack-clack-clack seemingly designed to twist his spine.
At thirty-seven, Glen had enjoyed relatively good health with only the scattered bouts with the cold and flu. Most of the other teachers at Theodore Roosevelt High School suffered more from the constant stream of ailments students brought into the classrooms. He had been teaching sophomore and junior English at the high school for six years and had no plans to leave.
Finally, the slab under him slid out of the machine, and the nurse came back. “Looks like we’re all done.” She said trying to force cheerfulness into her voice that only sounded like forced cheerfulness. She was a fifty-ish, tall, unattractive woman who brought with her perfume that had a slight vanilla smell. Rather than having a pleasant effect on Glen’s senses, it only made him aware of the room’s other odors.
There was the usual medical facility tinge of disinfectant and medication. Alongside those, Glen detected another odor. This one seemed to be the product of the fear and anxiety caused by the MRI machine. Whether in his mind or elsewhere, Glen heard the thoughts of a middle-aged man worrying about a newly-discovered lump in the left side of his throat.
Vicki's Comments: The first thing people see is the cover. It should be cropped to just show the front, so that's the first thing I recommend. Second, the apple and books do not suggest horror at all. I would put something on the cover to indicate there's a killer in this book. A gun, a knife, some blood...something to show it's horror.
In the description, I would start with the part about the dead killer who wants Glen to continue his hobby for him. That's the hook in your story. No one is going to care that Glen had been teaching abroad, or that he's settled in Northern California. That's back story, and not very exciting. There's a murderer talking to him in his head, for heaven's sake. That's the part that should be highlighted. With a few tweaks, I think the description can read much better and give the reader that "I must buy this" feeling.
The writing could be tightened up a bit. I would cut any back story from the first chapter. I would suggest a critique group to help get rid of some weird words or redundant phrasing, and start with a bang. (Example: Eyes clinched tightly closed. Do you mean clenched? And how do you clench loosely? You don't need to clarify it was tightly closed if you say clenched.) The first few paragraphs are the most important in a book, and you want to suck the reader in right from the beginning. I think the premise for this book is good, but it needs some work to really shine.
One last thing. I think the price is too high. I would lower it. Granted, some people find that 99 cents is too low for them, so play around with price a little. Maybe yours sells better at $2.99. But $6.99 is very high for a self-published book, and will be an instant turn-off for many people.
What do you guys think?
The cover with books and an apple makes me think it's something to do with school, the apple from teachers pet. I would never ever guess it was a horror book and would skim right over it if I saw it. Also, the authors name is very small.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the description needs beefing up. As Victorine says, people won't care that he's been teaching abroad. It needs to start with a punch, something to grab the prospective reader. I don't know whether Glen becomes a serial killer, but if he does, how about something like the following, which is very rough, or use some peril that he faces, such as having to save his wife:
It started with the voices in Glen Davis' head. It ended in murder.
A long-dead serial killer named Robert Bloom has chosen Glen as the one to continue his deadly hobby. Now the young teacher must choose between saving himself or those around him.
Victorine has asked that I comment. I agree with her about the cover, and the price - its what I thought before I read her comments.
ReplyDeleteI'd say your writing is way above average - but its rather flat. I want to feel the fear.
You could add more movement and sensuality - sweat trickled down his back as he rolled over - that sort of thing.
This is offered in total humility, by the way.
Kate Hamilton author of Gothic comedy romance.
I agree that there's absolutely nothing about the cover that conveys "horror" to me. I'd assume it's a book about a teacher. Why not have a knife with blood on it sticking out of the apple? That'd catch my attention.
ReplyDeleteAnd I like Shaun's blurb much, much better than the original. I'm terrible at writing them, so I sympathize (it's hard to condense your book into a few lines that will grab people's attention!).
I agree with Vicki. The cover does not scream killer, murder... to me. It has the feel of something quite the opposite.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree about all the back story. I am not one for blocks of back story to be thrown into a chapter when it could be weaved in throughout the book and through action and dialogue. I would worry that if I continued reading, there would be much more stop and start back story thrown in.
I agree that you could do with some extra eyes on this to tighten things up.
For example, the punctuation here aswell as the sentence itself needs work.
all done.” She said trying to force cheerfulness into her voice that only sounded like forced cheerfulness.
Does the sentence need to be that long? Do you need to repeat the word cheerfulness? There should be a comma at the end of the dialogue, no capital letter for She on she said, and a comma after said.
Hope this helps. Does sound like a great plot, and one that would interest a lot, as paranormal and horror have a large number of followers! just needs a bit of a trim and blowdry to tidy it up!! - Nothing that can't be fixed.
Agree with the above it just doesnt look like horror cover, i'm horror photographer and do covers if you decide to change it have a look here http://www.danielletunstall.com/
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the great comments and suggestions. I truly appreciate your help.
ReplyDeleteHi Jeffrey--Yeah, crop the cover. In fact, ditch the cover; that imagery would work if there were a knife in the apple, but otherwise no. Actually a bloody knife in the apple would be cool. Typography needs to be much bigger, especially your name.
ReplyDeleteAs for your blurb, try this:
Glen Davis is an average young high school teacher with a comfortable life...until the voice of a long-dead serial killer appears in his head, a voice slowly forcing Glen to continue the dead man's killing spree. Now Glen must choose between saving himself or those around him.
I think the other commenters have some good ideas with a scarier cover and edgier blurb. I am not as put off by the scene in the beginning, although it could be tightened and made more sensory. Wasn't sure what was going on with him hearing the thoughts of a middle-aged guy with a lump in his neck, though I suspect that would be explained in the next paragraph.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with any changes you decide to make!
This has such a cool premise, but that needs to be up-front in the blurb. Waiting until the 3rd or 4th sentence is just taking too long to sell me on why I need to buy this book.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I agree with Victorine. The writing needs a bit of help. Critique groups are wonderful and so immensely helpful.
The cover says "slice-of-life/cerebral". I don't see this as fitting in with the horror genre. And, this ebook is way too much money. I wouldn't buy it for the price, mostly.
Vicki's short line - "a dead killer wants Glen to continue his hobby" would make me gasp and want to read this book. I like the purety of the apple on the cover, but think it would look better sliced in half and rotten in the middle. Would really make me pay attention. Nice work Vicki, and Jeffrey. I'm going to check it out anyway.
ReplyDeleteThe cover conveys education, text, clean lines of logic. Horror is messy, abstract, eerie. Same with the title. If I was looking for horror, I couldn't tell this qualified from either the title or the cover, and that's not good.
ReplyDeletethe first two sentences of the blurb are not only backstory, they're not all that interesting. The reader doesn't want to know that the MC taught abroad. He doesn't want to know that they've settled in. He wants to know that he's going mad, and what challenges that entails.
As for the prose:
Glen Davis didn’t believe in ghosts. But ghosts believed in him.
It's not all that big of a deal, but the period breaking this sentence in two really should be a comma.
However, at this moment, such profound philosophical issues had no place within his mind.
If they have no place in the POV character's mind, then they have no business in the narrative. Your character has a point of view. Don't describe what he doesn't think of, describe what he thinks of. The stuff he doesn't think of will become relevant in its own time. You're trying to force it to the front so the reader will be intrigued, but it doesn't work. There's plenty there to keep a reader interested. An MRI is a serious procedure, something significant is happenning with the MC's health. The reader knows he can expecty ghosts from the blurb, no need to rush then to the forefront like unripe fruit at the market. Bring them out in good time. Let the story carry the reader naturally. Besides, "profound philosophical issues" sounds lofty unless you have time to explain them beyond a cursory mention.
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteWith his eyes clinched tightly closed, Glen was focused upon the banging of the MRI machine.
No need to use his name again this soon, you've only introduced one character to this point, so he will do just fine. Also, when you tell the reader that he was focused on the noise of the MRI, you force the reader to watch him listen to the noise, rather than to listen to the noise itself. "The MRI machine banged" tells the reader that he's focused on it because there hasn't been any other character introduced who could possibly hear it, and there's nothing else immediately that you are describing that he could be focused on. He's the one that hears it, thus he's focused on it.
The dull thuds did nothing but kick off a new round of the tooth-rattling throbs in his forehead. These headaches were part of the reason he had come to the doctor’s office and then to the MRI machine. Next came the loud blaring of what sounded like a truck horn and the machine gun clack-clack-clack seemingly designed to twist his spine.
Good, I've had MRI's and this is how it feels. Though, you could throw in a splash of what he sees. The big tube, the plastic, the lights, the screen behind which the technitian is standing, anything to give the reader a visual to go with the sound.
At thirty-seven, Glen had enjoyed relatively good health with only the scattered bouts with the cold and flu. Most of the other teachers at Theodore Roosevelt High School suffered more from the constant stream of ailments students brought into the classrooms. He had been teaching sophomore and junior English at the high school for six years and had no plans to leave.
Finally, the slab under him slid out of the machine, and the nurse came back.
I'd only use "finally" if you first described a long wait of some sort. You don't, so I'd drop that. Also, I know it's nit picky and can be construed as being a part of the author's voice, but "returned" does the same thing as "came back" using 50% of the words. Doesn't matter much I suppose when self-publishing in an e-book, but every word counts if you intend to print this in paper form.
“Looks like we’re all done.” She said trying to force cheerfulness into her voice that only sounded like forced cheerfulness.
The period after "done" should be a comma and "she" shouldn't be capitalized. Also, I'm assuming we are in Glen Davis' POV, so he wouldn't know that she tried to force the cheerfullness in, he'd only know that it sounded as though she tried to force it in. It's a POV slip.
Part 3:
ReplyDeleteShe was a fifty-ish, tall, unattractive woman who brought with her perfume that had a slight vanilla smell.
"brought with her" seems odd. If I was the reader, I'd be looking for a vial of perfume to pop up in the next sentence. "Smelled of" or something to that effect conveys the scent without making the reader look for a a perfume bottle.
Rather than having a pleasant effect on Glen’s senses, it only made him aware of the room’s other odors. There was the usual medical facility tinge of disinfectant and medication.
"Rather than having a pleasant effect on Glen's senses" is some fairly purple prose. You're wasting a lot of words here. "It acentuated the smell of disinfectant and medication." Conveys the same thing. Look for ways to tighten your prose. It's not just editors and agents that look for tight writing, readers don't want to read 10 words worht of information in 30 words unless you're being poetic or something like that, and you're not.
Alongside those, Glen detected another odor.
Again, you make the reader look at him smelling something rather than just telling the reader there was another smell. "Another smell, this one seemingly the product of..."
This one seemed to be the product of the fear and anxiety caused by the MRI machine. Whether in his mind or elsewhere, Glen heard the thoughts of a middle-aged man worrying about a newly-discovered lump in the left side of his throat.
And he's not the one going through the MRI machine? What the hell? If he's not the one going through it, then he's part of the medical team I assume and he's concentrating on a hell of a lot more things than just the banging. He's got a patient on the table. He's got readings in front of him. etc...
I'd run this through a crit site like critiquecircle.com to get readers' views of what they think is going on based on your description.
Good luck with this.
Take care.
Fred
I'm such a broken record, sometimes, but the problems with the cover go deeper than showing the back cover or the take desktop image that doesn't suggest horror at all.
ReplyDeleteThe real problem is the very bland, microscopic typography used.
You have TONS of white space on the front cover where you could move your author name down and puff it so it's legible. But you bury it in white text at microscopic size, on the apple.
The title's also too small, and the font too generic. You could move the art down and have that title puffed so it really pops off the black background.
Missed opportunities; you should really consider getting some help on the cover. :)
I think the story sounds fascinating and it is the kind I would love to read.
ReplyDeleteI agree about the cover. Maybe an apple split in half..one standing up and the other on its side dripping blood...showing the two aspects of his personality..the good guy and what the spirit wants him to become.
I would never be able to buy this book though at the current price. I know 2.99 seems really low for all the work we put into our writing, but we have to price what the market will bear. The consumer at this point, has set the market for ebooks at .99 to 2.99.
But with a 70% royalty, if your book takes off and gains traction, you could make a bundle at 2.99. :)
You know, I didn't even look at the price. Every book has a sweet spot (mine is $4.95 for my full-length novel). With straight genre--and this appears to be pretty much right in the horror/thriller pocket--the price point is going to be lower than $6.99. Maybe even lower than $2.99.
ReplyDeleteExperiment. Lower it to $2.99 and leave it there for a month. See what happens. You'd have to sell a little over two times what you sell now to make the same amount of royalty, but that's not a hard mark to hit at your current sell rate, especially once you tweak your cover. That, I think, are the two biggest points that will push you into some sales: the cover and the price.
Good luck!