Author: Debra Lee
Genre: Psychological Thriller
How long it's been on sale: 2-4-11
Current price: $.99
Marketing: Twitter, Facebook, Blog
Total sold so far: 40
Link to book on Amazon: Dangerous Bedfellows
Product Description:
Damaged goods. That's one way to describe Jackie Bertoni. Survivor is another after the traumatic childhood she endured at the hands of her father in Italy. With the help of the American filmmaker her boyfriend sold her to for a week of sexual pleasure, she is able to fulfill her lifelong dream to escape to America. Life is good to her in the land of the free. She becomes a successful movie producer. Sixteen years slip by before the big betrayal when Jackie knows she'll never be free-never whole-able to trust another man until she gets even.
First 300 Words:
Jackie’s gaze wandered from headstones to somber faces. But not to the casket that held the body of her only true friend Desmond Sinclair. She recognized the people standing around her. Except for…
Now she knew she hadn’t worn the black net veil because it matched her black suit. She’d worn the veil to hide her eyes. She continued to stare at the man. The handsome stranger looked familiar even though she was positive she’d never met him. She searched her memory until it came to her. Andrew Michaels. His picture appeared in her Los Angeles newspaper a lot. The last time he’d posed on the courthouse steps, relief radiated from his eyes as he smiled for the cameras after achieving a guilty verdict on a high profile murder case.
How dare he show up here? Thanks to her Desmond couldn’t harm anyone anymore. A cold chill rolled through her. Perhaps the district attorney had come for her. Undecided if she should bolt or approach the man, Jackie was suddenly frozen in a time past when Marcus DeMario stepped into view.
The sight of him took her breath away just like the first time she saw him all those years ago. He stepped away from the limousine and weaved around headstones in her direction. As he neared, she saw his features had changed little. What had changed was the hardness in his composure, a coldness that sent another chill through her.
With her chin tucked into her chest, she watched him step up to the casket to pay last respects. Once or twice his steely eyes glanced her way. He showed no signs of recognizing her.
Of course he wouldn’t recognize you, she reminded herself. You were a disposable piece of property to the man.
Vicki's Comments: First, the cover. I'm not in love with it, although it's not horrible. I think what's hurting the cover is the drawing. I probably would try to find a photograph to use instead. Also, putting the victim on the cover might not be as striking as putting the antagonist. But that's just what came to mind, it's possible with the right photo you could make the woman work.
The blurb needs work also. I got a little confused and wasn't sure what the major conflict was. I think with a few tweaks it could pull the reader in more.
After reading the first 300 words I would suggest joining a critique group. www.critiquecircle.com is a great website. I think the book isn't quite ready yet. Again, with a few tweaks, I do think you can find a market for this.
What do you guys think?
I mildly like the cover (but then I'm not a great judge of covers). The blurb seems to concentrate on backstory which I think is usually a mistake. What is the conflict? What is the inciting incident? What is the story about?
ReplyDeleteI really couldn't tell.
I agree with Vicki that the prose could use a little tightening, not a great deal, but some.
I actually like the cover art. I think the font could use a little work -- brighter red, fuller distribution, larger size, and a "bookier" family (like Garamond or Cheltenham).
ReplyDeleteThe blurb is the show stopper for me. The first few sentences are ok but it goes off the rails on this sentence:
"With the help of the American filmmaker her boyfriend sold her to for a week of sexual pleasure, she is able to fulfill her lifelong dream to escape to America."
Which American filmmaker? Is that her boyfriend?
And her *boyfriend* sold her into sexual servitude for a week? Is that "pleasure"?Something she asked for? This part has me saying "huh?" a lot. Did this selling result in her being sent to America, which was how she could escape? The extra preposition in there is icing on the cake and really sets up a bad image for your work.
I agree with J.R. about the back story as well. She's at the funeral of somebody and somebody unwelcome shows up. This is all after the blurb which is really just the set up for the book?
I also agree with J.R. about the text. A critique circle -- even a few beta readers -- could help with tightening up the narrative a bit, too. It doesn't need a lot, but if it shows up in the first 300 words, then yeah, probably needs a few more eyeballs on it.
I think it's a great looking start, tho.
I'm not blown away by the cover. It has an oldy-worldy feel that is not to my (personal) taste, but if that is the mood and age of the book then it fits.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of the 300 word blurb. There's feeling, bitter emotion embedded in there, yet I don't feel pulled in to the story enough. Perhaps it's the fact that it starts with a funeral.
Also, the odd phrase feels slightly out of beat, out of rhythm. A little jiggling would solve this. For example, instead of:
How dare he show up here? Thanks to her Desmond couldn’t harm anyone anymore. A cold chill rolled through her
I'd have jiggled the sentences to this:
A cold chill rolled through her. How dare he show up?
Also, one more comment. And I believe it's a major point! In the blurb where it states that 16 years slip by before the big betrayal... I think this hurts your blurb. The first thing I would assume, is that I am going to have to read 300 or so pages explaining her 16 year life story, before I finally get to the gritty revenge stuff.
Hope this helps.
Helen (Millybuddy)
I like the cover, but there's something about it from a past era of publishing, something from decades ago like that old, old book one finds among the new on the library shelf. Maybe it's the font or the (to me) almost faded color of the font. Also, all of that black background feels gloomy--and gloomy is different from mysterious or scary. As far as the description goes, it's okay, but here's an idea for making it better: go to Amazon and read the descriptions of some of the best-selling Kindle or print books. Then take language and style ideas from the ones that grab you and use them in your product description. And let me know what you think of my comment.
ReplyDeleteI find the font to be reminiscent of a college football movie, which seems to clash with everything else. Otherwise, I like the cover photo and arrangement, I think.
ReplyDeleteI also think the blurb and the sample needs editing, tightening, and a bit more punch.
I also don't get a real sense of what genre this is from the blurb, which is a major selling point for me as a customer. Epic? Women's fic? Thriller? Erotic? I know you have the genre listed, but it should pop in the blurb itself, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteThe cover is okay. I like the image of the woman. Her face shows introspection which goes along with a haunting past and thoughts of revenge. I agree that you should try a different font.
ReplyDeleteHere's one error in your blurb.
free-never whole-able
free; never wholly able
The blurb gets confusing when you start talking about the boyfriend selling her.
The 300 word opening definitely needs tightening. I found it confusing.
After reading the opening I get that in the cover she is in funeral garb but it still seems more suited to a mid-20th century book rather than a contemporary work of fiction. The cover as-is needs a tombstone or something to indicate a funeral otherwise it feels dated.
ReplyDeleteThe blurb wasn't as tight as it could be and that could steer people away, but the big problem is probably just the writing itself.
I just didn't follow the opening very well. It almost sounded like she killed her friend and the author introduces two additional people right away without really sucking you into the story.
Yeah, this just isn't ready for prime time. Hire an editor or get into a critique group. (I always recommend the former, myself). You've got a story here; it just needs a good hard shake. Good luck. :)
ReplyDeleteFirst, I want to thank Vicki for this wonderful blog. For everyone commenting, a great big thank you. This is the second cover I've put up and I'm still not happy with it. I hate writing blurbs and it shows. I need some help with that. The first 300 words have been rewritten so many times I fear I've done more harm than good. Instead of pulling the book I think I'll do some major tweaking.
ReplyDeleteAll comments are greatly appreciated. Please keep them coming.
Thanks again everyone.
I side with those who like the cover. It has a femme fatale feel to it without neing overlyt sexy to make it erotica material.
ReplyDeleteSimplify the blurb. Who's the protag. What does she want. What's stopping her. Throw in a cool premise or two and get out. That's it. Simplicity in the blurb.
As for the prose:
Jackie’s gaze wandered from headstones to somber faces. But not to the casket that held the body of her only true friend Desmond Sinclair. She recognized the people standing around her. Except for…
I hate gazes being animated, particularly in the first line of a book. I know you want to get her name in there to identify her, but if you start out describing what she sees and drop into her POV as you do it, it makes the begiing a lot smoother than starting outside her head and then trying to slide the POV closer. Somwthing like "There were headsones and somber faces, but the only thing that mattered was the casket of Desmond Sinclaire in the other room" IMO, youdon't need to let the reader know immediately that he was her closest friend, just the notion that it matters more to her than the headstones and bereaved faces let's the reader know how important he was to her. The "She recognized.." line feels ham-handed here. And it once again keeps the reader from dropping into her head because ou're talking about her, rather than what she sees. if you said, "There was an unfamiliar face.." then the reader will know that all the other faces were familiar, and will be looking at the unfamiliar face, rather than looking at her "recognizing" something.
Now she knew she hadn’t worn the black net veil because it matched her black suit. She’d worn the veil to hide her eyes. She continued to stare at the man. The handsome stranger looked familiar even though she was positive she’d never met him. She searched her memory until it came to her. Andrew Michaels. His picture appeared in her Los Angeles newspaper a lot. The last time he’d posed on the courthouse steps, relief radiated from his eyes as he smiled for the cameras after achieving a guilty verdict on a high profile murder case.
Comma after "Now". Also, there are too many "she"s in the first three lines. I'd think about changing that second sentance to take her out of it with something like "It was there to hide her eyes." Don't be afraid of animating it. Don't tell the reader that she continued to stare at him, because it keeps the reader looking at her staring at him, rather than looking at him. The reader will asssume at this point that whatever you describe is what she's looking at. And again, the sentence "She searched her memory" puts the focus on her rather than at what she's looking at. Keeps the reader out of her head. When you tell the reader that he looks familiar, the reader will instinctively know that she is searching her memry for his identity. It's natural. I'd cut that line and have the next line be a thought italicized. His name. As soon as you introiduce his name as one of her thoughts, it has the same effect as as saying that she JUST remembered it. "relief radiated from his eyes" smacks of purple prose. You can say that he was relieved, without all that.
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteHow dare he show up here? Thanks to her Desmond couldn’t harm anyone anymore. A cold chill rolled through her. Perhaps the district attorney had come for her. Undecided if she should bolt or approach the man, Jackie was suddenly frozen in a time past when Marcus DeMario stepped into view.
Very convoluted second sentence nthere. I'm not sure if you mean that "Thanks to her, Desmond couldn't harm anyone any more" or if you mean that "Thanks to her Desmond, he couldn't harm anyone any more" One makes her the hero because she stopped Desmond from harming anyone, the other makes Desmond the hero because he stopped Marcus from doing more harm.
I would love to help with the back end, but I really have no idea what her stepping back has to do with anything. I think you're trying to be so mysterious that you end up being so unclear that the reader is lost.
The sight of him took her breath away just like the first time she saw him all those years ago. He stepped away from the limousine and weaved around headstones in her direction. As he neared, she saw his features had changed little. What had changed was the hardness in his composure, a coldness that sent another chill through her.
Ugh, anther chill, huh. Okay. But you better not use chills again in the book, because you've already used up your allotment. And usually chills are something that's given thater than sent through someone.
With her chin tucked into her chest, she watched him step up to the casket to pay last respects. Once or twice his steely eyes glanced her way. He showed no signs of recognizing her.
Of course he wouldn’t recognize you, she reminded herself. You were a disposable piece of property to the man.
Those last two paragraphs work okay to my ear. I think you may be short-circuiting on the earlier stuff like you said. You may be trying to over-think it and make it something profound rather than just something that clearly conveys the story.
Good luck with this.
Take care.
Fred
Thank you, Fred. This is the kind of help I've been looking for.
ReplyDelete