Lodestone Book One: The Sea of Storms

 
Author: Mark Whiteway
Genre: Science Fiction
How long it's been on sale: July 22, 2011
Current price: $2.99
Marketing: All my books are listed on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Smashwords premium catalog. I am featured on Facebook and Twitter, (although I only have a following of three or four people!). I have my own website with regular news updates relating to the series. The website has two videos, one a short book trailer, the other a youtube video made by a reviewer who designated Book One their "Book of the Month". A more sophisticated, movie style trailer is currently being made.

I have done extensive research on Blog sites and made numerous pitches, as a result of which I now have over sixty reviews, all either four or five star. Most of these are posted on Amazon. I have entered a number of awards programs and now have some 16 awards to my name. I have done four blog interviews. I have done one library book signing and sold 16 paperbook copies of the first two volumes there. I have definite plans to do at least two more.

Total sold so far: Paperback 17; ebook 28
Link to book on Amazon: Lodestone Book One: The Sea of Storms

Product Description:

Ail-Kar, a white-hole portal from another universe, rains meteoroids onto the surface of the planet Kelanni. But the so-called "lodestones" behave according to different physical laws, transforming Kelanni's society. With the aid of the fearsome Keltar in their flying cloaks, the Kelanni are being put to forced labor to mine the lodestones.

Shann, an orphan with a fiery disposition, witnesses a battle between a Keltar and a stranger bearing a similar flying cloak. She tracks down the stranger, and learns of the technology behind the Keltars' power, joining him on a mission to free the slaves and cut off their supply of lodestones.

Meanwhile Keris, a Keltar, is sent on a mission to track down the rebels. She is attacked by a flying creature and saved by the enigmatic Chandara. At their Great Tree, she learns that a mysterious "Prophet" is out to destroy the Kelanni people. Their only hope is a powerful instrument hidden in the distant past.

Pursued by Keltar, the party will encounter bizarre creatures, ancient technologies and terrifying dangers. Finally, they must seek to cross a massive storm barrier in order to reach the other side of their world, where a world-shaking revelation awaits.

First 300 Words:

“He comes!”

A knot of a dozen or so Kelanni villagers stood in the market courtyard, eyes raised skyward. Dark clouds roiled overhead, and the rain was persistent, running down their faces and into their eyes, making it difficult to see. At the edges of the courtyard, almost melted into the shadows, were many others, pulled by curiosity and repelled by apprehension. In the centre, four downcast youths stood at either side of two laden wooden carts.

As they watched, a shadow moved across the expanse, growing silently, rapidly. It resolved into the shape of a Kelanni, dark cloak flared outwards like a bird with a single great wing. He dropped from the sky with a terrible grace and landed in the space before the knot of villagers, with the cart to his back, the cloak settling about his shoulders. He stood erect, raindrops trickling down his dark olive cheeks like false tears. Close cropped dark hair bristled on his scalp and down the back of his neck. His right hand grasped a dark wooden staff, diamond blades at each of its ends. His tail flicked from side to side.

He walked forward and cast the fold of his cloak to one side, lifting his left hand. The first three fingers were raised; the other two were bent downwards.

“Fealty and service to the Three,” he announced. His voice was hard, confident.

“Fealty and service,” chorused the group, raggedly.

“Which of you is headman?”

A middle-aged villager dressed in plain tan jerkin and breeches stepped forward. He was balding, with a thin, lean face and a thin, lean voice. “I am called Boran. May I know the name of Prophet’s Keltar?”

Vicki's Comments: When I look at the cover of this book my first impression is that this is a fantasy novel. I'm not sure why, maybe the colors. When I look closer, I see the picture is a ship and the name of the book indicates sailing. It almost looks like a middle grade novel when I examine it. I'm guessing by the cover alone this book is about being out at sea. But then I see it's labeled as Science Fiction. I'm wondering if the cover isn't giving readers the wrong impression. I'd also like to see a different font.

The description is bogged down with the unknown words. I'm wondering if some of these unfamiliar words can't be reworded. I mean, in the book I assume these words are introduced naturally and with space in between, whereas putting them close together in the description confuses me. Maybe leaving out a few of them would be better.

There are some awkward phrasing in the description. For example, "...are being put to forced labor to mine the lodestones." I would just say, "...are being forced to mine the lodestones." I think there are some instances like this that can be trimmed.

Also, after reading the description, I feel like too much information is trying to be portrayed here. I want to know the main conflict. What's the reason I should read this book? Give it to me straight, without all the extra stuff that isn't needed. But I readily admit I'm in the "less is more" camp when it comes to blurbs. Others might like longer descriptions with more of the plot disclosed.

Now, I didn't post the From the Author section here because I don't normally do that, but I would like to bring this up. The large number of obscure awards is a turn-off for me. When I research these awards I've never heard of, I find many of them are tied into vanity publishers or places that offer paid services like reviews for authors. This does not give me confidence in the book. I would take the awards off. I am also put off by the excerpt. I would much rather grab a sample of the book if I'm so inclined. The "wall of text" makes me not want to read any of it, which is definitely NOT what you want a potential customer to feel. 

The beginning of the novel doesn't have a point of view character, which makes me feel distanced from what is going on. I'd much rather start in the perspective of one of the main characters. I'm also not a fan of adverbs in dialogue tags. I'd get rid of the 'raggedly' and maybe show this.

I think with a little tweaking the beginning could grab the reader more. What do you guys think?

In Wilder Lands

Author: Jim Galford
Genre: Epic Fantasy
How long it's been on sale: 5 weeks
Current price: $2.99
Marketing: Signed up on KindleBoards, Nookboards, GoodReads. Put up advertising campaign with GoodReads and Adwords. Distributed cards at local fantasy con.
Total sold so far: 17
Link to book on Amazon: In Wilder Lands (The Fall of Eldvar)

Product Description:

In the rough mountainous midlands of Eldvar, two city states have been waging a war that has lasted for generations. Desperate to bring an end to the war with themselves coming out on top, one city escalates the conflict through the use of dark magic, setting off the largest war the lands have ever seen as other forces are dragged in to defend their own homes from the ensuing violence.

Throughout this, the animal-like wildling Estin finds himself driven from the city that is the only home he has ever known. He must flee the relative shelter to escape the very forces that seek to continue the war and would willingly drag him into it with them.

Driven into the wilds, Estin has no choice but to put some degree of trust in those he would least expect to travel with: A fox wildling whose goals and motivations he often cannot even guess at, a dwarf who swore to murder him for money, and a mixed group of gypsies and other wildlings who have no stake in Estin’s survival.

Estin must decide what he is willing to do and become, as well as who to trust if he is to survive the war, once it reaches the wilder lands where he now must learn to live. 

First 300 Words:

Whenever I dreamt, time seemed to lose its meaning, but the story remained the same. It would always start with that peaceful warm feeling that just seems to belong in any state of near-sleep. I could feel people close—my parents—while my mind was adrift. My mother would whisper to me as I lay there, telling me that she loved me. These are the things every mother tells her child, I’ve been told.

What made my dreams unique was where things went from there and how vividly I could remember them every time I woke. Dreams based on your own memories can be brutal like that. I could choose to ignore my own history while awake, but my dreams would never fail to remind me of every painful detail.

After a time—how long was debatable, as it felt like hours, but could have been mere minutes of sleep—I would feel my mother leave my side. I was aware of her departure, though I did not fully wake either in the dream or real life. She was gone for a while…too long in my childhood’s mind.

Each time I reached this point in the dream, I could feel a chill creep down my spine, knowing what was coming but unable to change it.

It was then that the screams would begin. Distant at first, but still clear. Voices I should have known, mixed with so many I do not remember anymore. They were probably my neighbors, maybe even the other young I played with, though the dream blurs so much and my own memory could not identify them. They have become nameless and faceless, which only makes their deaths that much more difficult for me to accept.

If I was lucky, this was all I would remember when I woke.

Estin woke, his heart pounding as it did nearly every morning. He shook as his limbs tried to run for a moment, the dream continuing into wakefulness. When he did finally free himself of its hold, he groaned and relaxed as best he could.

Vicki's Comments: I want to like this cover, however I'm not exactly sure what is going on in the picture, and it doesn't really scream High Fantasy to me. Are these pirates? Is that a boat on fire, or a tall mound of dirt? I'm afraid the cover is trying to portray a scene in the book which shouldn't be the main objective of a cover. It should portray the genre.

The text doesn't stand out from the background and the font choice isn't the best. I would revamp the cover and see if you can't get a High Fantasy feeling from it. Maybe look at some of the popular books that are similar to yours and see if you can't get the same type of design. (Obviously don't copy, but you can get ideas from the other book covers and do something similar.)

The description is a bit too wordy and I think it can be tightened up. For instance, "He must flee the relative shelter to escape the very forces that seek to continue the war and would willingly drag him into it with them." This sentence is awkward. You could easily trim it to make it smoother. I'm also not sure that the first paragraph is needed. I usually read a description to get an idea of the main character and their conflict. You don't get into this until the second paragraph. But some people like a little setting information, so get more opinions on that.

Unfortunately the beginning of the book doesn't grab me. I don't like book starting with dreams, and this one isn't really a dream but a character "telling" about a dream, which is worse. I don't get the first person to third person change. That confuses me. I also see some editing issues. I think this book needs some editing and tightening up, and perhaps a different beginning.

I recommend submitting chapters through critiquecircle.com and getting the prose tightened up, and then getting a good editor who can help with tense and grammar issues.

What do you guys think?

Word Book of Sex

Author: Knyaz Rikard
Genre: History, Word Book, Non-Fiction
How long it's been on sale: 5 months
Current price: $4.50
Marketing: Amazon.com, put adds on book selling forums
Total sold so far: 10
Link to book on Amazon: Word Book of Sex

Product Description:

This wordbook aims to find the roots of the words we use every day,
- dirty sex words. Where did we get the F-word and the C-word from.? Where do we get the word “beads” from , the former praying tool of wooden, or glass balls clad on a piece of string, now widely used to describe a lustful activity.
This wordbook gives the meaning and the uses of each word. In order to understand the meaning of sex-words we have to dig deeper into the old English world of words. This wordbook is a path to the old, partly forgotten, history of old English language and its origin.
In this research we have found an old Fruitfulness culture about 5.000 years old that was spread along the Atlantic coast and Scandinavia. These rituals and traditions, concepts, and thoughts still influence us today, for example, when we open a, - pornsite.
This wordbook is also a way to find the roots to your name, the place where you live, or grew up, because many of the today´s place names come from this Fruitfulness culture. Our given names and family names come from the place-names. The place-names we have come from rituals and traditions.
Yes, it is dirty, but by reading this book you are helping the old fruitfulness culture to survive. Every time you look at a porno-site you perform a holy act, as long as you breed and keep the memory and the culture alive by giving birth to new generations

First 300 Words:

(A repeat of the description.)


Vicki's Comments: I'll start by saying I think I'm the worst person in the world to critique this book. I know nothing about ancient word origins, I hold sex sacred and probably don't use most of the words discussed in this book, and to be honest I couldn't care less where the f-word came from.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way, here's my opinion. The cover doesn't appeal to me. The lettering is hard to read, the red doesn't stand out against the tan background. The picture doesn't make sense to me. I will say that the cover doesn't necessarily look "homemade" so that's a plus.

The description is a mess. There are sentences with missing punctuation, and others with too much punctuation. It is in desperate need of editing. If the description is this way, and the forward in the book is the same way, I'm guessing the entire book is a complete mess. And if I am thinking that, your potential buyers are thinking that too.

Some of the sentences leave me scratching my head and wondering. You perform a holy act when you look at porn? Come on. Who are you trying to appeal to here?

The subject matter of this book is not going to appeal to a wide audience. Marketing on book selling forums will be a waste of time. You'll want to focus on people interested in ancient civilizations. This book has a very limited audience. It will only appeal to a small group of people. I think if you hire an editor and probably someone to format the kindle book, looking at the sample, you'll be in a better place than you are now. But I'm guessing that the major reason this book isn't selling is because it's for a niche market.

What do you guys think?

Death Has a Name (Book One of the Brodie Wade Series)

Author: Jerry Hanel
Genre: Paranormal Thriller
How long it's been on sale: December 2010
Current price: $1.99
Marketing: Paid advertising, blog spots, a single radio spot, social media, kindle boards, book reviews, etc.
Total sold so far: 200
Link to book on Amazon: Death Has a Name (Book One of the Brodie Wade Series)

Product Description:

A PARANORMAL THRILLER

Praise for the Brodie Wade Series:
"Do you love characters that grab a hold of your heart and won't let go? How about paranormal mysteries? Want a dash of romance and true friendship on top? Then you really need to read The Brodie Wade series."
-- Keryl Raist, author of Sylvianna

There is a Truth that exists. It is active. Alive. It fights the bounds of reality to make itself known. It's not my truth. It's not anyone's truth. It is The Truth.

There are times when select individuals can see and interact with The Truth, but Brodie Wade has been able to interact with it since he was a child. It has scarred his mind and body, but it also gives him the ability to know things that he shouldn't know. Thus, he has taken employment as a psychic detective.

Working together with Detective Phil Dawson, Brodie must summon all of his will to go head-to-head with The Truth to solve the latest string of murders. It appears that Dominick Fredrickton -- the Midnight Killer -- has returned from the grave, beheading the unfortunate few that get in his way.

When The Truth confronts Brodie and tells him that he must protect the Third Key, Brodie must discover what - or who - The Third Key is.

Can Brodie stop Death from obtaining the Third Key and regaining his physical form? 

First 300 Words:

 A middle-aged woman dashed through the darkness, then down the stairs. A man in a dark shirt was only two steps ahead. She had been attending to her mentor when she'd seen movement down the hallway. In an instant she willed herself into shadow and darted after him. She had to catch him before he escaped with her mentor's prized possession.

She held a glowing orb tightly in her right hand and a .45 in her left. Both hands were covered in blood from the man she'd always known as her mentor.

Was the beast now free from the chains that held him bound in the eternal realms? In the five years since she'd been promoted, her life had been relatively uneventful. But in the past twenty-four hours, everything had come undone. What had she become? A killer? A protector? She wasn't sure any more. Her life was spinning out of control.

She chased after the intruder, running forward at full speed toward the wall that he passed through with ease. Her heart raced and her lungs could not take in any more air. She was pushing herself to her limits trying to catch the servant of Death. If he got away, all of her kind would be in trouble. The world would be only one step away from torment beyond her comprehension.

As she neared the far wall she extended her hand, passing through as if it were a simple illusion. Emerging on the other side, she tried to get her bearings, having traveled several miles from the house she had been in only moments before. She stood directly in the middle of the street on Broadway. Cars honked and squealed as they sped by on both sides.

Frantic, she squinted left and right, searching for him, hoping that...

Vicki's Comments: I really like this cover. If I were designing it, I may not have put the title quite so close to the top, it looks a bit squeezed in to me, I probably would have given it a tiny bit more space on top and on the sides. But I admit that's nit picky. I love the font, and the images are wonderful. It does say "Paranormal Thriller" to me.

I think it's fine to put the genre in the description, in fact sometimes I wish more people would do it. At times I can't tell from looking at the cover and description exactly where the book fits. I would take out the praise, though, there's plenty of good reviews for this book and if people want to read them they can scroll down. The only time I would keep this kind of thing would be if the review was from someone very famous and influential, and even then I would keep it to a short snip.

The first paragraph of the description doesn't pull me in. When I look at a description, I want to know the conflict and plot of the book. The part about the truth being alive should come out in the story.

The rest of the blurb needs to be reworked, IMHO. There's some unnecessary information that could be cut, and I would get right to the conflict. Something more like: When psychic detective Brody Wade is asked to solve a string of murders he must face his sometimes terrifying visions in order to get to the truth. This gives you a lot of information in one sentence. It tells us that Brody is a psychic detective, that there's been a string of murders, and that Brody doesn't love the psychic visions he sees.

I wouldn't end with a question. Most of the time I find this cheesy. Sorry. If the information needs to come across, I would phrase it as a statement: Brody must stop Death from obtaining the Third Key and regaining his physical form. With a little tightening up, the blurb can be much better.

The beginning of the novel is a bit confusing to me. At first I wasn't sure who the point of view character was. Then I realized it's the woman, but I don't know her name. I don't know what she is. I feel very far removed from the character. I fear there are too many unanswered questions in this beginning.

If it were me, I would name the character and try to tighten up the beginning. I'm glad it starts with action, but I think there needs to be more clues as to what is going on. I'm guessing she's a ghost, or part of this Truth, but since she's got blood on her hands that makes me wonder if I'm wrong. I wish there were more explanation. (Which is probably pretty hypocritical because I'm the queen of confusing people.)

I'm guessing the blurb and the beginning are holding this back. What do you guys think?

The Burning Sky (Halcyon #1: A Steampunk Thriller)

Author: Joseph Robert Lewis
Genre: Historical Fantasy, Steampunk, Thriller
How long it's been on sale: 7 months
Current price: $.99
Marketing: Blogging, paid ads, giveaways, contests
Total sold so far: 300
Link to book on Amazon: The Burning Sky (Halcyon #1: A Steampunk Thriller)

Product Description:

For fans of steampunk adventure authors Cherie Priest and Scott Westerfield:

When the brilliant young engineer Taziri Ohana survives a devastating attack on the Air Corps, she is the only pilot left to chase the criminals responsible across the skies of Morocco. While helping the police to investigate, Taziri uncovers a vast conspiracy of deposed aristocrats and wealthy industrialists plotting to overthrow the Queen and plunge the country into war.

With assassins stalking the streets and riots on every street corner, Taziri quickly learns to defend herself as only an engineer can - by inventing electrical tools and weapons from whatever is at hand! But the country's only hope for survival may be a visiting Incan princess, a dashing Spanish fencer, and Taziri's airship Halcyon plummeting out of the burning sky.

The Other Earth: Explore this stunning vision of an alternate world where fantastical machines sail the seas and the skies, enormous prehistoric beasts still roam the earth, and the restless dead walk among the living.

Features: Multiple maps | An appendix explaining which parts of the novel are historical and which were figments of the author's imagination

Genre: historical fantasy | steampunk | action/adventure | thriller | Morocco | Spain

Length: 484 pages | 121,000 words

A note about the text

This is a work of historical fantasy. Some of this world may be familiar to you. But in this world, Europe never emerged from the last Ice Age and only the southern regions are habitable. North Africa is cool, wet, and fertile. Ancient nations such as the Persian Empire have persisted, though others, such as the Romans, never rose to power. Some of the countries in this world reflect the cultures and attitudes of the Renaissance while others reflect the Industrial Age. Historical figures appear, though they too may be different from the ones you have known.

And while this world is separate and unique from our own, it generally resembles our world in the sixteenth century in some ways. But only some. Don't expect this world to conform to the history that you know. The people and places are different. The climate and wildlife are different. Even death is different here.

First 300 Words:

Chapter 1. Taziri

“Once more around the world!” Taziri swept her tiny daughter up in her arms and carried her through the air, soaring over chairs, through the kitchen, and back again. “Over the forests of Ifrica! To the pyramids of Aegyptus! Across the Middle Sea to the glaciers of Europa! Past the spooky ghosts of España!” Menna giggled and waved her chubby arms as a shining trail of spittle dangled from her lip. After several minutes of swooping around the house, she gently crashed her baby onto a pile of cushions in the corner of the dining room. “And back home to Marrakesh!” Taziri groaned as she straightened up and rubbed her back. “She’s getting heavier.”

Yuba finished setting the table. “You always say that when you come back.”

“Well, she’s always getting heavier.” She smiled.

“Babies do that.” His face and voice were both dull as old stone. “You know, she’ll be walking soon.”

“Really? Already?” She stroked Menna’s cheek. “Time flies.” Time flies, Menna grows, and you, Yuba, what about you? What’s happening to you? His once glorious mane was gone, shaved during her last trip as yet another surprise to come home to. They were all doing that now. She saw it in the other cities, everywhere she went. The men were changing. Some things were small, like the shaved heads. Other things were more troubling, like the absence of their veils. When she entered a teahouse or café, they glared and grimaced at each other and at the ground, loathe to look her in the eye.

Yuba paused in the doorway. “I went by the university this morning. My work is really backing up. Trees to be moved, new gardens to dig, and the dean wants another pond with a fountain. They were asking when I’ll be back full time. It’s been almost a year since we had Menna. They’re starting to talk about bringing someone else in to replace me.” 

Vicki's Comments: I like the cover. It looks very professional. I don't think I would change a thing with the cover.

The blurb is too long, in my opinion. I would cut the beginning where you compare your book to other authors. I would also cut the Features section and the Note about the Text section. You can put the note about the text in the front matter of the book, if you think it's necessary.

The description itself I think is good. If you cut some of the extra stuff out, I think readers won't be too intimidated by the large amount of text.

The writing was good, although I think that first paragraph should be split up. Maybe have an editor look at that. I'm also not sure the story starts at a particularly good place. I like it because it shows that men and women have very different roles in your fantasy world, and that the world itself is different, but I'm not sure this snip grabs me in a way that makes me have to read more. But the beginning is always the hardest part to figure out.

I would tighten up the description, get rid of the stuff you don't need, and ask others about the beginning of the book. Let's see if we can't get some opinions here. What do you guys think? Does the beginning of this book grab you, or would you start in a different place?

A Love Rekindled

Author: Myne Whitman
Genre: Multicultural romance
How long it's been on sale: March 2011
Current price: $2.99
Marketing: Facebook and Twitter as well as reviews and Goodreads giveaways
Total sold so far: 55
Link to book on Amazon: A Love Rekindled

Product Description: 

Efe returns to Nigeria after years in the United States, dreaming of a happy, independent life. However, her nights become plagued by nightmares of Kevwe Mukoro, her ex-fiancé. Long hours at work and drinking in nightclubs only provide temporary relief, and when she encounters another Mukoro, she knows it’s a matter of time before Kevwe is back in her life. Sparks fly when they finally meet again, but desire is no match for bitter memories of heartbreak. All these years, Efe believed she was rejected; now Kevwe claims he’d never stopped loving her. Stuck at a crossroads, Kevwe prefers to look to the future, with them together. Efe does not want to lose him, yet she needs the traumatic events of the past resolved before she can give in to rekindled love.

First 300 Words:

She hated walking this road so late, but she couldn’t avoid it after reading at the library. Empty tables lined the roadside, and behind one of them, a stone-bound ring of embers, dying remnants of the suya mallam’s fire. Kerosene lamps and candles flickered in the darkness, filling the air with smoke.

Efe coughed, praying she would not meet secret cult members who were reputed to use this route on their way from their haunts. Someone appeared ahead and she slowed, mouth drawn tight, and fists clutching her chest. A little yelp escaped her when the person turned to face her.

She heaved a sigh of relief at the flashing white teeth and walked towards him with a smile of recognition.

“Kevwe…”

She stopped in a moment, clenched hands wiping her eyes when, instead of moving closer to him, he drifted further and further away. Sounds of revelry disturbed the silence of the night and Efe walked faster, heart pounding and sweat dripping from her nose.

More shadows melted out of the side of the road, coming towards her. The figures chanted gutturally, and when they raised their hands, something metal glinted in the light from the fire. Menace filled the air thicker than smoke and Efe ran forward, screaming Kevwe’s name.

He couldn’t leave her here, he was supposed to love and protect her forever…

“Kevwe no…” Efe groaned, as her head tossed from side to side. “Don’t leave me...”

The alarm on the bedside table buzzed, and she jerked awake. It took another moment to lift eyelids swollen from tears. She was under the blankets, but the cold tremors from the nightmare still racked her. Efe dragged herself out of bed, feeling like her head was stuffed with hot rocks. This was the third time in as many days she’d had a Kevwe nightmare. 

Vicki's Comments: I like the cover, although I have a couple of nit picks. I'm not sure why it fades to blue on the left side. There doesn't seem to be a reason for it, so it attracts my attention and makes me wonder why it's there. I also can't read the small type at the top. I like the title, although it does seem a bit too close to the top of the blue bar. I wish I could read the author's name better, I might suggest a different font for that.

The people on the book look like Americans to me. That's probably a stupid statement, I'm sure people in Nigeria wear jeans and polo shirts sometimes, it's just not what I think of when I picture Nigeria. In fact I did a google search for Nigerian photos and only saw one polo shirt. The trees also look more Midwestern America to me. I don't know if this effects sales at all, I just wanted to throw that out there so you know what I thought of at first glance.

The blurb is good but I think it could be better. I like that it's a typical romance story where two people who broke up find each other again. The 'encountering another Mukoro' sentence is kind of strange. Maybe explain why she's forced together with her ex again. Just encountering a family member doesn't explain it.

This story starts with a dream. If you google, "How not to start a novel," just about every list you will find will tell you not to start with a dream. Now, if you're writing a novel that takes place in a dream or dream walking is the focus of the book, I can see where that might work. But this dream isn't particularly scarey. It doesn't pull me in and make me want to read more. I would start the novel at a different point and if you *have* to show a dream or two in the book move it to a different spot. And if you don't have to show the dream, I would cut them altogether.

I think the beginning of the novel is mainly what is holding this book back. Maybe get some other opinions on it, though. I did find a few places where the prose could be tightened up.

What do you guys think?

Revelations

Author: Pamela Kay Noble Brown
Genre: Christian Fiction/Inspirational
How long it's been on sale: Feb 27, 2011
Current price: $1.99
Marketing: I've posted it on my blog, about two weeks ago began tweeting content about every three hours, post about it on FB, Goodreads, Shelfari, and Kindleboards.
Total sold so far: 45
Link to book on Amazon: Revelations

Product Description:

A mother's secret...her daughter's shame.  Melanie has finally met the man of her dreams, but life is never easy for one who has suffered a lifetime of horrific loss. She was compelled to return to her hometown, sure that enough years had passed since the tragedy.  But why does she keep having those same horrible nightmares?   Was domestic abuse a curse that was passed on from one generation to the next with no escape?

And her boyfriend's mother Mrs. Harriet Cornelius seems to be a sweet person, but there's something about her that Melanie just can't put her finger on.  A shameful family secret may just keep Melanie from becoming too deeply involved, yet she longs for the kind of life and love others have. Will she find a way to overcome her fears, or will she simply walk away?  

First 300 Words:

Now

“I hope I can see you again really soon,” Mike said as he helped Melanie into her sweater.

Hmmmmm….a gentleman too, Melanie thought, taking time to formulate her answer.

“Well, I certainly have enjoyed our dates, “Melanie replied.  “But let me give you a call in a few days ok?  I’ve got a lot going on right now and need to get some things situated.”

“No worries,” Mike replied. “Take your time.  I’m really starting to have some strong feelings for you and I want you to be sure of what, if anything, you feel for me.  So give me a call when you’re ready.  I’ll be waiting.”

Melanie watched Mike walk off after he’d helped her into a cab and she couldn’t help but smile as she thought over their short but promising budding relationship.  It had all started about five months ago.  After recently moving back to Hampton, South Carolina, Melanie had immediately become active in community theater.  With all of the turmoil going on in her real life, she’d loved immersing herself into the various characters and losing herself for a few hours.  One day, as she was leaving the theater after a Sunday afternoon matinee, she stopped short upon hearing her name.

“Melanie….Melanie Walker?” called a well-dressed woman who appeared to be in her sixties.

“Yes, that’s me. Have we met?” asked Melanie.

“No...and I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to startle you.  I just saw the play you were in and wondered if I might have a few minutes of your time?”  The woman took a few steps towards Melanie with her hand extended.  “My name is Mrs. Harriet Cornelius.  You might have heard of Colton Cornelius Industries?”

“Why yes…I uh… yes we can talk and yes I have heard of Colton Cornelius Industries,” Melanie 

Vicki's Comments: I'm not a fan of book covers that aren't a standard book size. It screams 'Not a traditionally published book' to me, and I think we should do our best to look like traditionally published books. (Not in an "I'm conforming to The Man," sort of way, but rather a "This book isn't home made," sort of way.)

After I get past the strange size, I see a pair of bare female legs which makes me think this is chick lit or romance. The background makes me think of science fiction as does the font. The title makes me think of the bible, which doesn't go with the picture on the cover at all. However, the genre is Christian Fiction, so I'm guessing the title might be appropriate. I would change the picture and the font.

I don't like the first sentence of the description, I think I would cut that. The rest of the blurb is actually pretty good. I would change the questions to statements, or cut them, and I would cut both of the times you use 'just.'

I'm not sure why the book starts with Now. It made me think there was a prologue that perhaps started Twenty Years Ago or something. In fact, I got curious and downloaded the sample, but no prologue. The book simply starts with an underlined Now. I think this is confusing and should be deleted. Unless otherwise stated, people will assume your book starts in the present.

The writing could be improved. There were some mistakes which makes me think hiring an editor would be a good idea. The dialogue seemed stiff, and there were a lot of instances of 'telling' instead of 'showing.' Maybe joining a critique group would help. I feel like I say that all the time, but if the writing needs tightening up that's the best way to do it, IMHO.

I like the description, and I think the premise of the book is good. My two concerns are the cover and the writing. I also noticed someone said this was a shorter story in their review. I would definitely put the word count and page count in the description so potential customers know what they're getting. If it's shorter than 50,000 words I would make sure everyone knows it's not a full length novel.

What do you guys think?