Thin Hope

Author: Naomi Hook/Holly Hook
Genre:Fantasy/Science Fiction/Thriller
How long it's been on sale: November 18, 2011
Current price: $.99
Marketing: Advertised on author blog and Bargain eBooks blog (which I run), Librarything giveaway, submitted to two dozen book blogs (only 2 interested in reviewing it so far), advertised in B & N forums, Facebook, etc. Cannot yet advertise on many sites due to not having enough reviews to qualify.
Total sold so far: 3 on Amazon, 2 on B &N
Link to book on Amazon:Thin Hope

Product Description:

Princess Kiki Endicott faces two threats from one man. Royal General Patrick Maxwell says he's only pursuing peace, but his plan depends entirely on making himself the genetically enhanced, superhuman ruler of the known world. He wants Kiki to join him in near-immortality and become his wife--even though he's her uncle. In his desire for her, Maxwell tries to kill her lover Damon Stanza. Maxwell ends up in prison instead, and Damon takes his place as Royal General.

Now Maxwell has escaped and is marching on Kiki's city with a horde of genetically altered soldiers and magic users. It's going to take everything Kiki and Damon have to defeat Maxwell before he takes the kingdom--and Kiki herself.

**Contains moderate language, some sexual content, and intense violence at times.**

First 300 Words:

Kiki fanned herself with her tank top as the temperature in the study climbed another few degrees. It suited her mood. Once again, Delainia’s forces had moved closer to the Keilaran border, and this time, their army was situated only fifty miles to the south of where she was sitting. Darren Storm wasn't reacting well to the trade ban her father, King Morris, had imposed on Delainia last month.

In the next room, her twin brother and sister, Ryan and Riley, argued over something. Their muffled voices floated through the walls and the tall bookshelves. Ryan had probably used one of Riley’s drawings for target practice by accident again. The last one, a nice drawing of the royal garden, now sported a big bullet hole right in the middle, thanks to the palace guards fetching him an easel instead of a cardboard bulls-eye. The yelling only served to up Kiki's tension more as she gripped the corner of the newspaper and fingered it with a sweaty hand.

Fifty miles. Fifty miles away from her family. Fifty miles from her boyfriend, Damon, and her. Kiki's desert eagles felt heavy in their holsters as the headline of the Keilaran Chronicle started to blur on the table in front of her. Possible War Looming, Delainian Forces on the Move. A photograph of the Delainian president, Darren Storm, stared out at her from below the text. He walked along the hallway of some lab, judging from the clinical hallways and the white coat he wore around his suit. Beside him stood his wife, Gracie, in an identical lab jacket. Both stared out at the camera with eyes that seemed blacker than normal somehow, Darren's from behind his glasses. Kiki wasn't surprised. Anything weird seemed possible in her neighboring country since their secret human experiments had started.

Sabrina's Comments:
I see a lot of potential for Thin Hope. It seems like a good premise that would be engaging. I would execute things differently. What follows are my suggestions and first impressions. Yes, it's nit-picky. I get to focus on less than 1,000 words while you had a whole novel to edit. :)

You are the author so no matter what I say, you get to decide how to present your book. OK, to the nitty-gritty . . .

The cover: It doesn't say fantasy/science fiction to me. I can see thriller since the gal is holding a gun. I can't think of a good reason to fade her into the city scape. If the model represents the main character, she should be solid. Fading her makes odd light patterns on her skin and clothes. The floating eye in the sky doesn't strike me as pertinent or well-placed. The iris color isn't so striking that it catches my eye. It is simply a floating orb that takes my attention from the main character who is faded out. I looked at the thumbnail of your book. The eye looks okay there but the main character is fuzzy. You can't tell she's holding a gun. All in all, I strongly recommend taking another look at your cover.

The blurb: You say there's two threats from one man but you don't spell out what those threats are. I caught that one threat is he's trying to marry her but he's her uncle but if the second threat you're talking about is the army invading, that is delineated as a later time so it doesn't feel like part of the two threats. I shouldn't have to put any analytical power into figuring out what you mean.

I suggest you use the "when" formula. When the main character must to avoid When Royal General Patrick Maxwell attempts to genetically modify himself and take his niece, Princess Kiki Endicott for his wife, Kiki and her lover, Damon Stanza, foil his plans. Stripped of his title and cast into prison, Patrick Maxwell continues plotting. After breaking out of prison . . .

I like that you have a disclaimer about content. I think that trend is a positive one. My friends always ask me for suggestions on books that either don't have gore or sex or swear words. Knowing up front is a service many readers appreciate.

The First 300: Tanks tops don't seem very princess-y. Maybe it's part of your world building. I notice that you have a lot of vague words in the first 300. A few: tell me exactly how many degrees. I know a few generally represents 3 but I'm not sure where you're starting from so adding three degrees doesn't mean much. If the temperature rose from 80 to 83 I might fan myself but I don't consider that unnaturally hot. If it rose from 100 to 103, we're talking a different story. If the character is hot, I want to feel the sweat dripping down my back and I sit in the room with the protagonist in my mind. You're scene building here and there needs to be a lot more clues as to what I'm seeing, hearing and feeling. Tell me about the study. Is it like an English study with dark woods or is it modern with sleek metal furniture? These clues will give me insights into the society. Right now I'm guessing which you do NOT want as an author.

Why do I care about Delainia's forces? More importantly, why does Kiki care? Is she worried about an attack? What would that do to her society? I'm apathetic to her plight at the moment. Who is Darren Storm? Why should I care about him?

Whiplash! Now we're talking about the brother and sister. I have no visual of the siblings. How old are they? A three-year-old squabble would sound different than a 10 or 15 year-old argument. How far apart in age are the siblings? Is it a vocal argument or are they getting physical? Again, I don't know enough about them to care that they are squabbling. Give me more details to help me care. Maybe they are secondary characters but if they are important enough to have in the first 300 words, they are important enough to introduce properly if only through Kiki's feelings and maybe some of their dialogue seeping through the bookshelves.

Jerking back now, she's 50 miles away. . . from her family? Her siblings are in the next room. I understand why you mention her guns. I'm assuming you are building Kiki as a gun toting tough woman. Mentioning they are heavy while she's reading a paper feels forced. It's like you were thinking hmmm, I need to put in here that she has guns so I'll put it . . . here! I'd like to see you tie into the heat again. It was important enough for the first paragraph so reinforce it here. Kiki squirmed as a bead of sweat trickled underneath her thick leather holsters. The combination of the heat and the weight of the twin Desert Eagles in the holsters chafed her skin and caused her to dream of a cool bath. Or something to give us a peek into what she's feeling. (Don't say holsters twice like I did. Grab your handy thesaurus and mix up the words.)

Studying the picture of Darren Storm and his wife is a good way to introduce those characters. When I read it the first time, I thought she had moving pictures like in Harry Potter. Is this the effect you were shooting for? I don't know enough about the society to know how magical or scientifically advanced they are.

Showing instead of telling is a challenging talent to develop. In your first couple pages, your job is to immerse your reader in the scene with all five senses. What does he/she hear, smell, taste, see and feel? What time of the day is it? What are her surroundings? These clues will suck me in and force me to read more.

End Analysis. Good luck with your publishing adventure! Putting together a book is a big project. I wish you all the luck as you move forward.

The Circling Song

Author: Russell Cruse
Genre: Historical Fiction/Sci-fi
How long it's been on sale: April 1 2011
Current price: $.99
Marketing: Blog; Facebook; Author sites;
Total sold so far: 23
Link to book on Amazon: The Circling Song

Product Description:

Private Lawrence sees the world differently from those around him. Unfortunately, those around him are the British Army.

To Dr. Pennyworth, Private Henry Lawrence appears to be just another wounded soldier but slowly he begins to realise that Lawrence experiences the world in a unique and inexplicable manner.

From the chaos of The Great War, Lawrence begins to create order.

And Mathematics is struggling to keep up.

Pennyworth and a Cambridge mathematician, widowed by the war, work together to unlock the mysterious mind of Henry Lawrence and to determine how he intends to use it.

Then, they must decide whether to assist him or stop him.

The story of Henry Lawrence is told here through the correspondence, private papers and published works of those who knew him.

First 300 Words:

ITEM: 19/12/14 Henry Lawrence’s Journal

Wednesday December 19th 1914

Sir Maxwell has told me that I should keep a journal. He says it may help. I don’t think that it will. Although he is an approachable gentleman and not so stuffy as one might think, he is a doctor and although I’m sure he wants to help me, I believe that his true motive is to try to understand what is wrong with me. Wrong? When I regained consciousness, I could have cried with joy! To be alive and to be whole and to be unafraid! Only later did I realise that I might not be the same man I had been scant hours before; that he was gone forever. And that soon I would not care.

Although it is not visible, I can clearly remember everything from before; home, parents, friends, comrades. The thoughts make pictures in my mind, yet before of course, there was no “seeing” as I see now. There was no “knowing” as I know now. But there is remembering. Remembering how the patrol was caught in the open; how Armitage lay dying and how he wept for his mother. Remembering Streeter giving him water, his own and his friend’s hands entwined, clutching the flask between them. And Armitage, blinded by steel and blood and filth, drinking; talking between grateful gulps, to his best friend who was watching him die. Watching, until shrapnel took his head. Armitage, oblivious, carried on drinking and talking; tended by a headless corpse, until he drank and spoke no more.

There was the grief, the terror and the despair. Lawrence running, he knew not where. Back to our lines; towards the enemy; it didn’t matter. He just needed to be away from that place. Staggering, falling, crawling, weeping.

Gina's Comments:

First off, good job. Writing and cover design is hard work. When I saw your cover, the first thing I did was stare for a very long time trying to figure out what it was. I'm still not entirely sure, but I think I make out a woman's form, I see a note and some mathematic insignia. NO. Wait. That's a man. A soldier...I read the product description and worked it out from there. My first thought is, if I have to work that hard to figure out what the cover is, it should probably be played with. I see what you're going for though. I can also see you worked to incorporate the elements of your book. You may, in fact, be able to keep this picture collage, but the placement of the title interferes with the picture. My suggestion would be to play around with different ways to place your title and name, allowing the picture to be seen better. IF you are not attached to the picture, I'd say try to find a way to make the cover pop. The drab colors (I get it, army drab...but it's not selling and I must admit, I like and write historical fiction, it was my intended route to have a very muted cover) don't scream buy me.

The description could use some love. I think the description is one of the hardest things to write. I just did it myself and it was weeks of struggle. A friend suggested I write a hook line first and go from there. That helped me considerably. I will say, after I read it a few times, I understood. I believe we're looking at "A Beautiful Mind" situation? Or maybe a savant? Very intriguing.

Regarding the 1st 300. Again. Some editing is advised. You are writing good stuff. I liked it, but I did have to read it a couple of times, so some attention to grammar and maybe sentence structure to clear things up might help you. It was powerful. I would cut the first paragraph. That is a slow read. The excitement of the second paragraph is powerful. The 3rd paragraph threw me, as I thought the narrator was talking, but then he said "Lawrence running..." and it seemed as though someone else was describing the scene. I think clearing up who is sitting with Armitage, where Lawrence is physically, in the scheme of that scene, might be nice. Maybe incorporate the information in the first paragraph later.

Good work. I think this is worth working on. Sounds like a good story to me!