Monday, August 20, 2012
Author: Andrew M Gallagher
How long it's been on sale: Feb 29, 2012
Current price: $3.00
Marketing: Website, Profiles on Shelfari and Librarything, added to Askdavid website, facebook ads, KDP Select free, gave away 557 copies.
Total sold so far: 0
Link to book on Amazon: CheckOut 27
Temptation is stood in everyone's path so they tell us. Most people brush past but some stop for a chat and then some attempt suicide.
Peter Digby is Manager of Taylors supermarket, part of a national chain. When he is handed the chance to make money without actually putting his hand in the till he surprises himself and takes it. It maybe classed as white collar crime but the drawbacks are frustrating and difficult to handle. Having the money becomes a bigger headache running two homes two cars and two lives. His work colleagues friends and even family are unaware of his rich alternate lifestyle so what is the point? It is like winning the lottery but losing your ticket.
Peter's life is full of choices. Strange ones are employing the most incompetent security firm around, Beaver Patrol. Embarrassing ones are ringing prospective dates up based on your friend's advice. Your assistant manager is hard working but so timid he bears the brunt of all jokes. The checkout girls show little mercy and yet he puts up with it.
Clearly his world is a balancing act so why complicate it by getting involved with an auditor sent to check up on you? Horse Racing, Velcro, Women dressed as school girls and the possibility she could earn £1000 for a couple of hours are some of the reasons.
Can he get out and cover his trail completely?
First 300 Words:
I remember reading about cases where people have been hit by a vehicle and literally knocked out of their socks. The sudden impact and tensing of the muscles caused them to lift straight out. I still had socks on when I reached the hospital. In that final moment the self preservation gene we must all have stepped forward. I turned away in a futile attempt to save myself but heard the crack as my right leg broke. With the impact my body rolled across the car bonnet directing my shoulder to smash the windscreen with my head following behind it. After that I rely on Police reports and medical records with some eye-witness statements thrown in for dramatic effect. The eye witnesses are far more descriptive. ‘I was certain he was dead but I saw some blood coming from a gash in his head and my friend said you don’t bleed once your dead’ but my favourite, ‘I started to clap it looked like they were filming a TV programme then I saw the blood and thought it’s too realistic for the tele, so I stopped clapping’
In the supermarket the whole event had developed slowly, at first nobody took any notice as I walked across the parking area towards the road. A line of 27 checkouts with people queuing at each one all looking around but not through the large glass frontage, no one sees the dead man walking. But then as I stepped off the pavement out in to the road and turned to face the single oncoming car one child’s voice spoke out. “That’s naughty mummy” The queues either side looked over to the voice bored with the conveyer belts ahead of them. Trying to work out what sort of person you are stood behind from the contents of their trolley. What can you work out about the man who buys Tea Bags (the cheap supermarket brands) Always Tampons, Jelly Babies, dried pasta, vanilla flavoured yogurt, a pair of black socks and the Daily Mail?
A henpecked husband or a future serial killer?
The number of heads which first looked to the child and then following his pointed finger to the man in the road increased as the seconds ticked by. From almost no one to the complete shopping queues of 27 checkouts, faces searching across the car park to this single man in the road. Speculation in their eyes, was he some sort of workman stood checking the road, a plain clothes Policeman stopping cars but before anyone got close to the answer the car hit. Looking back towards the supermarket it appeared to be a goldfish bowl, a hundred silent faces behind the glass gasping in horror. The mother grabbed her son covering his eyes from the circus style juggling act of arms and legs tossed upwards to the sky bouncing off the bonnet into the windscreen.
Comments: At first glance I thought this was a non-fiction book about coupons and shopping. The cover does not look like a novel. I'm not quite sure what it is, maybe the way the photos are placed on there, but it says non-fiction to me. Maybe go look at some successful ebook covers of other humor books, and see how they look and try to emulate them. I'd definitely suggest a new cover.
There's a grammatical error in the first sentence of the description. (Temptation has stood...not temptation is stood. Or I suppose it can be: Temptation is standing...the tenses just need to match up.) Having an error in the first sentence of the description will turn off most readers. It makes them think the whole book will have errors. Definitely fix that.
I don't understand the second sentence. I mean, I understand brushing past temptation, and I understand stopping for a chat, but I don't understand the suicide reference. You're starting out with an analogy as if temptation were a person on the sidewalk. Some will walk past, some will stop to chat...then the next step in my mind would be hugging or making out with temptation. The suicide doesn't make sense in the analogy to me. I could just be dense, though. I do have my blonde moments.
The rest of the description confuses me too. Sorry. There are other grammatical errors (maybe should be may be) and other parts that just don't flow well or make a lot of sense. I'd suggest joining a critique group and getting some advice on making the description better.
Starting with the main character getting hit by a car is good. Something is happening. I liked that. The problem is that there are more grammatical errors, and places where I got confused again. I think this story sounds interesting, but I don't think it's quite ready. I would suggest a critique group to get the basic things ironed out, then an editor for the grammar and punctuation errors. This book has potential. Don't try to send it out there too early.
What do you guys think?